come into my closet

Healing

2011-12-08T19:22:00.000-08:00

Tonight I bring a different healing moment to my closet. It's been a while, a long while, since I have spent time here. I had comments to moderate from moons ago. I am sorry I didn't see to them sooner. Truth. I get the comments in my email and I love hearing from you. When you are healing it is so nice to know someone notices. You noticed and you commented and it means a lot to me.

Today I need to be here. To write. It is the only place I know I can write that no one will come up to me at school or church and say something in regards to the issue. What I write here today I don't want to face tomorrow. I leave it. It needs to be said out loud. I need someone to hear me. I need to know that you care and your comments are all that. Then I move forward. Sounds like healing to me.

I had surgery again yesterday. Again because I have a problem growing tumors. They are always benign so no worries. But it's a big deal because the pain I go through is annoying up to removal, then the surgery, the inconvenience and all that comes with recovering. I have grown stuff for 20+ years. All the time that I have been with mr. B. We were dating when I first had a growth. He still married me, for better or worse.

Anyhow, I think the last time I blogged I mentioned said tumor and it hasn't been a party since. I get really emotional and irritable and am in pain a lot. Thus I am a pain to those close to me. Even though I try to control it, I still suffer those around me as we live with it.

I put off ultrasounds for a few months. It looked like nothing so I just lived day to day. About October I began to notice the intensity changing so I scheduled an ultrasound. It had changed. Time three it's size and not one that I could let grow further. Out it had to come. That was three weeks ago. Surgery was yesterday.

I'm writing because I am really frustrated and biting my tongue. I bite my tongue whenever something hurts me and I try to hold back the angry words. I know it will pass but the fact that when what is bothering me is being held in it feels like the old days of abuse. I dont want to live like that. So I write.

I didn't want to do this surgery at all. The timing is bad. Too much to be done these days for my family and the holidays and on top of that my two oldest need their wisdom teeth out. One was done this past Monday. One next week. It just seemed an inconvenience to throw in my surgery in the middle. However mr. B really wanted me to do it. He sees me in pain, it's noble, he doesn't want me to hurt anymore.

Here's the problem. The rambling. Begins. We get to the hospital yesterday and I can already tell that this is a task for B. He is dropping me off and headed home to get our three children off to schools and check on our recovering wisdom tooth surgery child. Of course my concern and instinct is toward the children as well. I put them first, always. And the hospital is taking a very long time. It's irritating, I mention that this is not a great time for this, for us. He just wants it done. Check...off the list. And I can tell. It's a task. There is no nurturing on his part. I feel his stress and it's hard for me. So I get settled and he can hardly wait to get home. Times a ticking. The kids need him. He leaves and I am alone. First off that is horrible for me. My past and being alone in hospitals doesnt go well. But I handle it. I think of my mom. I know if she could be there in spirit she would be and with my eyes closed I almost feel her with me.

I go into surgery and wake up. I can't open my eyes and I am so nauseous. I am alone.

It's a while before he comes back and then he is just in a hurry to get me out of there. Home bound. His agenda is to get me there. He has to go to work. I asked him if he took the day off. He says no. I ask if he told his work I was having surgery. They would understand. The answer again. No.

He keeps telling me to wake up.
Why are you sleeping?
I am so nauseous I can not open my eyes. I have been sick but he wasn't there so he doesn't realize the trauma from surgery. He just sees me peacefully sleeping. Peacefully???

Again, why are you sleeping? Honestly, have you seen Finding Nemo where Nemo is upside-down in the bag pretending to be dead and the little girl with horrid braced is shaking the bag screaming why are you sleeping???

He is that horrid girl. I am Nemo.

I finally told him to just leave. I am not going anywhere. I was seriously so sick, and he was making it worse. Thus he did finally go. The nurse was irritated at his impatience but she certainly didn't let on to it when he was around. It felt awful. I was so embarrassed I just wanted to go home. I made myself rush through their checklist and ready me for home before he got back. He could hardly dress me fast enough to getnout to the car. He was so annoying about it. I just wanted to hide.

I got dressed. He left for the car. I threw up all the meds he gave me before he rushed out of the room. All the juice, the pills, everything. He missed it and only wondered what took so long to get me to the car. I got a quick ride home and then left to sleep.

Mr. Responsible adult headed back to work. I slept the rest of the day. My four wonderful children checked in on me throughout the afternoon. He crawled in bed at some point and left again this morning. Today I got a text asking me if I had set up a family to come to Sunday dinner yet. We have people over each Sunday so he just wanted to be sure I was on top of that.

He came home to drop off one son from school and found me resting and acted surprised at my sleeping. I had asked him if the hospital sent home any instructions with him. I knew only enough from past experience what to expect, how to rest, not drive, etc. He got the instructions and started to look over them...a day late and consideration short, I just got up and showered. I then assisted our children in their chores and homework and got dinner made. I don't know much about what I am suppose to be doing but I know what I expect of myself and thus I am functioning there.

Tonight I just feel sad. I texted him a few things and after about 5 texts I get the one word answer "okay". As if that is even an answer to any of it. No NOT OKAY. Seriously.

It's not really that I needed him to be here with me. Or there with me. At the hospital. I just needed him to be patient and recognize the circumstance. I don't doubt that he is stressed with work. We are fortunate he has a job that provides so well. I get that neither B or his work got the memo that I was having surgery, thus I would need a little patience and time to recover.

I woke up this morning and felt great. I guess that having been in as much pain as I have been in for the past months that recovering from surgery is a piece of cake. Physically I do feel pretty great. I overdid it tonight in my frustration but other than that I feel great.

I wanted to tell him that. I wanted him to ask me how I am feeling so I could tell him that. The day is near over. He is at work. He hasn't asked.

Emotionally I think I am okay. Believe it or not. Just telling you here I feel healed. I can breathe. And smile. And go tuck my kids in.

This is me today. Here in my closet. It is not abused me trying to heal. It is just me. Thanks for listening.

bitter vs. better

2011-06-10T08:10:00.000-07:00

when faced with challenges
we can get bitter
or we can get better.
---kristopher swinson

i have a calendar in my room
stuck on this quote,
the month of last summer,
i haven't moved past it.

it feels like i am still trying
to wrap my head around this thought.

for the last couple of months my husband
had written on the bathroom mirror a quote:

"We become
what we want to be
by consistently being
what we want to become
each day. "

--richard g. scott
the transforming power of faith and character
oct. 2010

personally, I am pretty much focusing
on being bitter, and angry, ...irritable...

I rationalize being bitter and angry [and sad] ...
by bragging up my gratitude.
Certainly if I am so grateful for all the things that I am bitter and angry and irritable and IRRATIONAL about than I am RIGHT....RIGHT???

He erased the quote last week.

Anyhow, here I am this morning thinking about all these things.
I am a mess; a horrendous mess hidden behind a smile, a good deed done for another; alas, i am

a functioning disaster.

I would rather be curled up in my closet with a bottle of jack.

i bought the jack,
now i am just working up the nerve
to befriend it.
i know where this path leads.
why cant my temptation
be to plant flowers
and paint rainbows?

moving on:
family wedding tonight.
actually family wedding this morning.

i am not there.

it's a temple wedding,
they frown upon
showing up to those hungover.

no, i am not hungover,

but in my head i wish i was.
the sin is done in the mind, in the heart.

i am pretty certain that beyond the life circumstances i am struggling with---...
that i have a physical hormone imbalance due to some tumor like growths [AGAIN :( ]
tumors like to mess with me from time to time.

thus reading/listening/talking to me should be done with caution right now.
this WILL pass, and when i have a rational thought again [PHEWWWW] ...i will look back upon this and not even recognize the person with these feelings.

in the meantime
the MEAN time, as those around me would
tell this cautionary tale...

I don't know what I feel,
I don't know why,
I have plenty of reasons to take a break for a bit
I have plenty of reasons not to.

I am extremely grateful for the abundance of blessing in my life.
I feel quite spoiled to be honest with you.
The past has plenty of things that frankly suck.
But mingled in with those moments of terror
are happiness and joy and laughter.

The moments of terror are my past,
not my today,
not my future.

I decide now....
and taking all that has happened recently
in stride
I will pull through this moment of darkness,
I just need to feel what I am feeling, in this moment.

when i let go of bitter,
will i be better?

mountains into mole hills

2011-05-24T13:41:00.000-07:00

enlightenment as i climb...

a while back my boys helped my grandfather to set off some bombs in his garden to deal with some pesky pets.

hmmmm [memory here],
it was the most interesting of summer days.

i think grandpa was as excited...maybe more....as the boys and he scampered off to the garden to blow up ...ahem, ...stuff!

anyhow, i have been thinking of all the mountains i create out of daily mole hills.

it seems that moles [in life] are consistent and CONSTANT in making their presence known. from the irritating opinion of a well-intended friend or family member to the irrational commentary too often offered, and of course the media and subliminal expectation of perfection advertised incessantly... dirt brought to the surface...for a purpose?

the one i struggle the most with is the voice inside my head,

which takes all this aforementioned input and grows it,
to full bloom.

it seems that i have accessed way too much fertilizer to keep those thoughts and ponderings healthy and growing.

yet... set aside what said fertilizer really is....poop.
what is the point of poop?
it's waste.

as such thoughts present,
WASTE should really
NOT
be used
to grow these
irritating opinion
and irrational commentary

fact: i spend way to much time
considering and giving power
to anothers opinion of me.

really....a WASTE of time.

insert wisdom here:

I AM GOOD ENOUGH

I am not restricted by old,
limiting beliefs from
my family, my friends, or from society.

Nobody can make you feel inferior
without your consent.
~Eleanor Roosevelt

No one can create negativity or stress within you.

Only you can do that by virtue of how you process your world.

No one can depress you.

No one can make you anxious.

No one can hurt your feelings.

No one can make you anything other that what you allow inside.

None of these are tried and tested, none proven [by me...yet],
and if I had scientifically tested these theory's,

they would still be theory,
theory: aka...my opinion.

However I believe each statement can be used to re-write the brains wrong.
Repeat daily, until re-wiring [righting] is effective and enough to empower the combatant of input [wrongs], also known as: daily tortures used to self-inflict beliefs that you are less than another, because you give another person power in their opinion.

WISDOM: Success is an inside job!

Being relaxed, at peace with yourself, confident, and emotionally neutral
---these are the keys to successful performance in almost everything you do.

If you want to find a deeper meaning in your life,
you can not find it in the OPINIONS

or the beLIEfs

that have been handed to you.

You have to go to that place within yourself.

Look for the meaning of YOUR life
withing YOURself!

Why I have ever given up
resident expert
to another person or persons is beyond me!

Resident expert is as said....resident.
The only resident of me is ME.

I decide what I allow in.
I decide what I process, and ponder, and keep.
I decide what I discard...[what is poop].
I decide what to grow.

WISDOM:

The person looking back at you
in the mirror is the
ONLY
one you have to answer to
every day.

so, back to mountains and mole hills. mole hills are created by moles...little well-intended furry creatures whose life's work is to incite rage and despair in gardeners, to cause havoc to the growth of potential nourishment.

innocently these little furry creatures are only doing what is best for their survival.

yet what they do is underground...in the dark.
moles; there is reason in the rhyme...making mountains out of mole hills...rather; be a mole, or climb a mountain...

moles are scrounge animals
and their work is viral to the gardeners garden.

...similarily are others well- [??] intended meddling and commentary...

[and i have been really troubled with the assumptions and the processing of others...havoc.]

i had forgotten this simple statement, this WISDOM:

...set aside the bad opinions....

One of the HIGHEST places you can get to
is to be
INDEPENDENT
of the GOOD OPINIONS
of other people.

...forget what others think GOOD
or BAD
of you...

What other people
think of me
is NONE of my business.

may i reap...only what i plant.

and further...may i use the fertilizer
[of lessons, of past experiences, of trials and errors]
to grow useful thoughts and ponderings;
healthy nourishment for my soul.

the rest is just...waste!

Big or little, mountain or mole hill. Doesn't matter.

What matters is within me;
my opinion, my belief.

so, these wisdoms, are my BOMBS....watch out little well-intended moles.

I have a mountain to climb.

Selena Gomez & The Scene - Who Says

2011-05-24T12:43:00.000-07:00

.You made me insecure,
Told me I wasn't good enough.
But who are you to judge,
When you're a diamond in the rough.
I'm sure you got somethings,
You'd like to change about yourself.
But when it comes to me,
I wouldn't wanna be anybody else.

You've got every right,
To a beautiful life.
Come on!

Who says,
Who says you're not perfect,
Who says you're not worth it,
Who says you're the only one that's hurting,
Trust me,
That's the price of beauty,
Who says you're not pretty,
Who says your not beautiful,
Who says?

.I'm just beautiful me.

chEeRfuL is a cHoicE

2011-05-16T12:22:00.000-07:00

checking in....
i have been really irritated...angry
and likely very difficult to be around.

in fact i may need a caution cone to wear as a hat.
[i think i said that somewhere before.]

someone said...ahem, ....that making a dayS goal was not ideal...it is definitely a ONE day at a time process....
[you were right. enjoy the glory....i don't often admit to being wrong....boo :( ]

generally, in truth to my nature...
when i make such a bold statement
i end up doing the EXACT opposite.
[something i am learning about myself]

I don't think I do it on purpose,
it just seems I allow myself to be jinxed.
over confident maybe...???

I can recall so many meetings with my bishop and other clergy saying WOW...I HAVE OVERCOME THIS...or THAT....and really feeling like it will NEVER be a problem for me again.

I feel the door hit me on the way out and I am immediately heading in the wrong direction, or at least headed down the road that I least expect....and most expect will find me stirring up trouble.

damn temptation
....arrrggghhhh WEAKNESS

ANyhoW, i am NOT being hard on myself....just recognizing that whatever it is I am dealing with and going through right now is REAL, and HARD, and MAXIMUM GROWTH POTENTIAL is right around the corner, ....i think. [i hope]

FACT: i have never experienced such ANGER.

RAGE....irrationality.

...it's insane, or maybe I am.

in general I am working on myself.

CHEERFUL IS A CHOICE!!!

I am working on Step 4: TRUTH ...although I have NOT mastered step 1: honesty....or step 3: TRUST in GOD. I feel a little better with step 2: HOPE.

this MORAL INVENTORY is kicking my butt.....and i am CHOOSING to be a pain in the BUTT...poor people around me.

The only step I am really good at is
step 13: REPEAT!!!
I have to be,
being I repeat the error of my ways so often.

Anyhow....i blogged a pretty cool rhetoric regarding my recent GRADUATION...suCceSs....i accomplished an associates degree in the meantime!

I haven't completely quit!!! ...on me.

or anything else for that matter.
i am working on being sober....
completely clean?

...just keep trying,
choose to be cheerful,
choose to recover,
choose!

Pink - Perfect

2011-05-14T14:05:00.000-07:00

do the 12 Step

2011-04-21T16:36:00.000-07:00

I have come to acknowledge that while I have temptations and sin I do not really have severe addictions.
This may well be good news, however, it allows me to justify not truly quitting, because I have control. Actually I should say "control".

As if the very word control is as imaginary as it's meaning.

For me it is not a matter of having to drink, or smoke, or dabble in iniquities...it is a matter of want and rebellion and feeling like it really isn't hurting anyone, even me, so why quit for real, forever, for eternity.

Thus, confusion.

Do I or don't I work on this temptation?

I have even gone as far as being so honest with clergy that I feel justified in my doing. I really don't see it as a problem to be fixed, or adjusted in my life.

So....understanding the difference between another's severe addictions and the patterns of destruction such addictions can cause, and my own struggle with iniquity because of God's laws, I am trying to determine why quitting for me is necessary.

I suppose it can be summed up by saying
that I desire
to be in complete obedience
to all of the commandments
of which my church defers,
without subjection to
or
complication by my own
justification.

I have to have my own reasons, to compliment strict obedience.

Reason good enough for me include that of heartfelt desire that my own children never have to struggle with their own destruction through addiction, or less of addiction; temptation.

And while I don't feel that my dabbling in temptations is truly addiction now I have to wonder that it could become such.

Being the control freak that I am in my life
I should find desire
in wanting to maintain that control
and not hand it over to a substance.

Rambling, absolutely.
Point, Step 10. Daily Accountability.

In the original Twelve Steps of the Alcoholics Anonymous program this step is: Continued to take a personal inventory and when we are wrong promptly admitted it. [past tense]

In the 12 Step program through the LDS Family Service Recovery Program it is similar: Continue to take personal inventory, and when you are wrong, promptly admit it. [---now tense, past, present, future!]

The difference really between AA and 12 Step recovery is only that of a belief in the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

The higher power is Our Heavenly Father,
or God.
Either way, it works if you work it.

I do believe this program works something within a person.
It works on me and I find myself healing and content when I participate with an honest heart in wanting to heal. It keeps me from temptation because I will not make a mockery of the program, or of the people who are there to abstain from these addictions in their lives.

In a sense the quitting of addiction is the easy part for me.
The healing of my
tormented,
shattered,
brokenness
is the part
I struggle
with.

However, I quit on me easier than I quit addiction.

I am stuck...on step two...Come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves [the Power of God] could restore us to sanity [to complete Spiritual health].

I can fully submit to Step One: admitting that I am helpless/powerless...controlled by compulsive/addictive/pathetic behaviors....my life is unmanageable emotionally.

...yikes!

I have been on step two for 5 plus years....maybe forever....

Thus I am comfortable
skipping through the program
and picking up on bits and pieces
where and when they feel workable.
One day at a time.

Back to my POINT: STEP 10.
Accountability...personal inventory.
That is what this rambling is about.

This is my start.

I want to feel accomplished and this is my first Step.

Making a personal inventory begins with me acknowledging that in my emotionally unmanageable daily life I need help. I need support. I need a sponsor. I need AA and 12 Step, daily.

90 minute [daily] meetings, 30 days.

90/30.

That is my goal. I will do best to make a meeting everyday, or 90 minutes of personal 12 Step work, for 30 days.

With this commitment to my healing I will make Step 10 a new habit.
[I am so good at habits!]

I am ready for a new way of living. I have a desire for peace. I believe that with humility that Heavenly Father can do more for me than I can do for myself, and that as I turn my life over to him that healing is possible.

Quotes from the LDS Family Services Addiction Recovery Program:

"If you are worried, self-pitying, troubled, anxious, resentful, carnal minded, or fearful in any way, turn immediately to the Father and allow Him to replace these thoughts with peace."

"Be especially alert for old behaviors or thinking patterns during highly stressful situations."

I think that the loss of my Mother
fits here as a highly stressful situation.
And the drinking that I am dabbling in
again...old behaviors or thinking patterns.
...is
obviously
not
the ideal solution.

"You can say to yourself in a moment of crisis,
'What character weakness in me is being triggered?'
The Lord has all power. 'I'll relax and trust Him'. "

Who am I?
I am a Child of God that is powerless without my Saviors help.
I surrender my will, my life, to Him.
I am suffering the pains of growing up, with others along my path

[suffering their own growing pains].

We are all in this together.
When others hurt my feelings
or offend me because of their opinions
I can choose to not take their behavior
or comments
personally and recognize
that I am only responsible
for my reaction to their behavior.

My response is to be loving, tolerant, and forgiving.

I form an entity between me
and the behavior of others,
or the trials I may suffer.

That entity is a shield of Faith, Belief, Love and partnership with Jesus Christ.

I can respond differently to others
and to life calamities,
it is my choice.

As I seek to stay on this well-beaten path of healing and hope I will have peace in the storm.

I will cease to chase after
what I want
and chase after the will of God
for me in my life.

I can set-up boundaries that will protect me from the pain of others opinions, I can go to meetings, I can take care of myself so that I can take care of my family and loved ones.

I can create new habits. Habits including prayer, pondering, peace.

I want to be a whole person. My goal starts with one day at a time, one moment of each day. Further I want to achieve 30 days, then 60, and finally 90/90.

Ninety minute meetings/prayer/pondering daily
times 90 days:
success!

Three G's:
Get off your back!
Get out of the Lord's way!
Get a life!

Rather than my trying to solve others problems I can turn them over to the Lord. I trust He will do far better for them than anything I could do. I will turn to Him in prayer as I feel love for those in my life. He knows them, their needs, and how to succor them far better than I. He knows me, my needs, my irritants, my weaknesses; He knows how to succor me, to strengthen me, and to soothe my every pain.

Even in my trembling,
He is the only antidote for peace.

I believe that we are accompanied by angels, and fed by help from the other side. I know that He has not forsaken me, even in my loneliest moment.

Step 10: this is my today.
My first step in healing; in wholeness, well being and health, emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental.

I will Choose to Recover.

To be renewed.

I am taking one STEP in the right direction.

NEW: nightmares

2011-04-21T03:51:00.000-07:00

i dream, she wants to go home. she begs me. i finally let go. i miss her. could i have done something different...anything? could i have made her well. this nightmare is not just when i am asleep. i wake up and remember. it is real. it plagues my mind, my heart, my soul. i regret everything, i question everything. i am certain i could have done something different.

this trembling is more than i imagined. the hurt is greater than anything i have ever felt. i am sure it will be better tomorrow, and tomorrow comes and it feels worse. i want to smile, to suffocate these feelings with joy, happiness, gratitude for all i have, ...left. but it feels so permanant, it is. she is dead, gone, and there is no fighting to have her back this time. nothing i can do. but cry. but i can't, because someone will see.

i don't understand this pain. it's desperate, and lonely, and chaotic, and laced with anger. i have lost her before. it shouldn't feel this bad. this time is worse. i miss her too much. i want to sleep, without dreaming.

my mom

2011-04-19T15:07:00.000-07:00

What a year!

Definitely full of ups and downs.

Yesterday I felt like I was inundated with thoughts. Thinking week to week, day to day, month to month, what a journey I have been on this last year. I awoke this morning realizing that by recognizing what the last year has brought I am on the journey of healing. What a feeling!

Last April I had invited my Mother to come spend a few weeks with us. She accepted the invitation and we shuttled her up to our home. We had Easter together, teddy-bear picnics, bookshopping, lunch dates, and lots of talking, walking, laughter, even tears.

I had been working with her on writing her history and coming to know her better I began to understand some of the why's, and how coulds, ...and all that reason, or lack of, brought me to a new level of healing.

She began her history with, "I have always thought I would have years to write my history, I feel now that time is short and it needs to be done quickly."

That was February 2010, she passed away March 31, 2011.

she was 65, too young

i not 40, to young to watch

Coming to understand and know her better has changed me. I don't excuse my Mother, she and heaven knows that the mistakes and choices she made affected my life and childhood and have long term, seemingly permanent EFFECT on me.

However, understanding brought true forgiveness, which birthed some real true healing in me, and yes, I began to really appreciate the relationship I was able to finally have with my Mother, for one year of my life.

In May I had surgery. That was a truly difficult time for me. So much emotion....oh, I rather not remember....

My mother came and stayed a couple of months with me. She came to help with the children and the house....etc. I wrote about some of my revelations about what that experience was like....and some of what I wrote was not flattering. It was hard for me to realize that my Mother was unable to be everything I wanted her to be. She was broken, down-hearted, insecure, vulnerable...all the things a daughter does not want to see in her own Mother. She was real.

In opposition, we also had some really amazing moments when she was with me. We talked over lunch daily, watched movies, cried, discovered things about one another that forced our relationship into a new dimension.

I watched her help my daughter plant a flower garden for me....some of those plants are now beginning to push up from the cold dead winter earth, a new start; Spring, re-growth, a promise, renewed.

What she was unable to do was no longer important to me, overshadowed by what we had, what we grew in forgiveness, acceptance and understanding; a different relationship, absolutely and fully renewed...even better than the one I imagined, more than I dreamed.

After she left we were on a new level, and our relationship blossomed from that honesty. In fact, with my desire to accept and love her I was able to enjoy her as my Mother.

This renewed relationship my Mother and I had was hard for others to understand. In fact, the judgement of others was harsh and cruel.

I could forgive but they couldn't forget.

It seemed that some thought they had the choice, or obligation, to hold on to my suffering and pain for me. Further to remind me it was there, in case I needed I later. Even harsh enough to say that if I had my Mother in my life than they couldn't be in my life, how could I want that "woman" in my life after....all.

Truth, my mother abandoned me 23 years ago; fact, I spent every one of those years fighting to have her back in my life, desiring foremost that she would want to be my mother.

My Mother made mistakes,

but I wasn't one of them.

The choices she made had effect on me, hurt me; damaged, broken, shattered me.

Forgiving her healed me.

Some of what I learned about her I never knew.

She always wanted me.

She was proud of me.

I learned to some degree I am like her, vulnerable, insecure, sad...also, loving, tender, cheerful, and giving. I discovered further that not only was she capable of being my Mom, but she could become my friend.

From July to November of last year I called my Mother nearly everyday. We continued to work on her life history via email chats, I asked the hard questions, inquiring minds wanted to know...why, what happened, what did she dream of, what were her fears, her secrets, her joys. ....I absolutely knew my Mother loved me, always, and I learned to love her for who she is and to forgive her for who she wasn't.

Other things happened last year. I lost a family member; a friend, a confident.

Because of some really difficult circumstances this person has chosen still to this day to not be a part of our lives. A new abandonment. This is more complicated than I can put into words, and truly to personal to even ponder writing about. However this pain is huge and festering and feels debilitating at times. I spoke with one person about this trial, my Mother. Few others know, and what they do know of it is not because of me. What they believe they know is truly nothing to what we are going through, it's speculation and one-sided, it's rumor. Because of my love for this piece of our family and my hope that things will heal I will never speak of it in detail to another. It is too fragile.

While struggling with this loss and pain my Mother sent me a weekly note of encouragement in the mail. She never missed a week to cheer me with a greeting.

In my pain I went from sober to moderation...my Mother accepted all about me, encouraged me...comforted me. Loved.

Her love expressed in her notes was honest and understanding and tender and insightful.

As I coped, She was MOTHERING me. I basked in it.

I called her everyday when I drove to pick up the kids from school; August to November. I miss those daily phone calls, to talk of the weather, the animals, her calling in church, her friendships, her questions about the children, about me...was I focusing still on the goals I wanted to accomplish. Was I keeping my room clean! [Yes, she did ask me that often. It's a work in progress...] :) ...When was I registering for school, what classes? How was I doing with my calling, with being released, how was date night, the kids activities....light chatter, and comfort for the heavy hearted. My dreams, my desires, my fears, my hopes.

She would ask me insightful questions and offer only encouragement and cheerful council. "Things will work out", she would tell me. "Forgive, pray, and be patient."

Often when I asked her how she was feeling she would tell me she was doing well, only tired. She seemed to not be able to shake a stomach flu, or some virus; She didn't know. From October to November she seemed more and more tired, some of the times when I called she wouldn't answer. I missed her on those days. Little did I know how much I could miss her....

Thanksgiving she was taken by ambulance to the hospital and admitted to ICU. What was it? Five roundtrips to the hospital...diagnosis; pancreatitis, flu, bacterial infection, celiac disease; it was always something. Confusing to say the least. She would get better, return home, and fall sick again quickly.

Christmas Eve, I drove my son up the canyon to ski with his friends. On the way down my mother's roommate called, she was sick again, it seemed worse than ever. I asked her to call an ambulance again. While I was on the phone my teen-son kept trying to call; once, twice, finally I excused myself to call him back. He had probably forgotten his gloves, or money for lunch. I dialed his number back, just as I was exiting the canyon, my 16 yr old son didn't answer; his friend answered. My boy had been terribly hurt. Ski Patrol had him. They would be calling me.

MY WORLD TURNED UPSIDE DOWN. My mom, my son. I pulled over. It was completely unreal. Christmas Eve was not suppose to be .....

I waited, they called. He had overshot a jump, fallen 30 feet and landed on his head. He was wearing his helmet. He had been unconscious. He couldn't move his legs, couldn't remember his name, didn't know how old he was, "maybe 14" he said. Did I give them permission to treat him? Don't drive back up, they would be air vacing him to a hospital near me. Wait, don't drive....let them call me as soon as they knew something....anything.

My life became unreal as we began to work with our "new" son. A traumatic brain injury and weeks and months of appointments and worries, and miracles.

Four months later and he is finally beginning to emerge as himself, my son, the boy I remember, the boy he doesn't remember being. So much changed.

January, my mother again was ambulanced, this time it was different. Everything had changed for me. I had to focus on my sons healing, I couldn't be my Mother's everything. My oldest Sister went to help make decisions for my mom. She needed surgery, maybe finally they knew what to do, what might help. The discovery of her health problems was determined, Gastroparesis. She needed a feeding tube. Her prognosis was that she would never again partake of food or water by mouth. Her life was forever altered.

If she wanted to live, she had to have surgery. She wanted to live.

I still wonder if she made that decision to give us time to say Goodbye.

Five days after Surgery I traveled to where my sister was with my mom. The hospital released her and we drove her five hours, home.

We brought her close to us, to a rehabilitation center, to heal her. That was our plan, but not His. It was to be the beginning of the end.

God, grant me the serenity ...to accept the things I can not change, ...the wisdom to know the difference...

Many Ups and Downs; January, February, March.

One day at a time.

We tried, she was moved from one place to another, some healing, some hope, and a lot of suffering. She was never well. Never strong. Always a tiny smile, an expression of love, and a plea with me to "let her go". It was too much suffering.

My son continued to heal, a long and certainly enduring process.

A few weeks ago he said to me, "Mom, I don't feel different anymore."

He was healing.

A few weeks ago, my Mother asked me again...she had asked me three times to please let her go...this time was different. I sat with her. She pleaded with me. She was suffering so much, so much pain, so much agony. "Please, it's time, let me go".

I told her that I didn't want to see her suffering, it was like she was in a prison, being tortured by her physical condition. No matter what cheer we tried to bring her in visiting her, was only miserable for her. She couldn't enjoy us. She was close to home, closer to another home. It was time.

That weekend was terrible for me. Knowing I would go and ask her care providors to allow her end of life care. Her tube was considered a life support, and we would be removing it. It wouldn't take long, she was weakened by her illness, and so very sick.

Some said she looked like a holocaust victim. I differ, she was a survivor, a fighter, she would have if she could have.

In the end, I didn't have to tell them to begin the end, she didn't leave that to me, I don't have to live with having made the decision to let her go. She told them herself. She protected me from that pain.

I stayed with my Mother til the end. I watched her go, I held her hand and wept, and let her leave me, again.

She didn't want me to suffer, watching her die. She asked me to leave, she pleaded with me to mind her. I did. I packed up my things, I left out the side door of the care facility ...and came right back in the front door. I couldn't leave her alone. I couldn't abandon her.

We were there. My brother and sister were with me when she passed away. We were there to say a final goodbye.

And now I am working through what is left. An emptyness that can not be described or imagined. One that is filled only by the love of a Mother. A love I fought to have in my life, a love I forgave to have, for one year of my life...and then let slip through my fingers.

Fragile.

That is how I feel.

And yet,

oddly...

not abandoned.

This year has brought me tremendous growth and trial,

they are not one without the other.

With everything that has happened to you,

you can either feel sorry for yourself

or treat what has happened as a gift.

Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing.

You get to choose.

- Dr. Wayne Dyer

in my closet, don't come in

2011-04-18T11:20:00.000-07:00

hiding in my closet

so much agony

this time no invite to come inside

i have no words

my mind is blank

my fingers have nothing to say

i scream and cry and rant,

alone, in the dark

even here, i am not safe to say

what is breaking me apart

shattered

obliterated

heart

and soul

in the time i have been away from writing

my mother passed away

a long process

of illness

of sorrow

tremendous agony

ache

pain

how much does it hurt?

how much doesn't it.

i haven't words

personal revelation

2010-09-26T03:41:00.000-07:00

aha.

yep, i am having an aha moment, or rather personal revelation.

i woke up about an hour ago, weird because i have been sleeping so well for ....well MONTHS now. my body and mind have felt very healthy and i have been content. those restless weary days and nights i had become accustomed to took a break and i have slept through the night very well.

this waking moment was truly weird for me.

as i lay there my mind was peacefully flooded with thought. wide awake i pondered these thoughts and it seemed that words were literally translated into my mind. =personal revelation.

i realized that this discontent that has interrupted an otherwise content and peaceful period of my healing really is nothing that i can solve.

it is really not mine
to resolve.

recently the opinion that a few others have had of me has been altered, however this morning it became completely clear to me that it has not been altered by ME. nothing i have done or changed about me is the damage done. it is the opinion of someone else, like muck thrown on a window pane. my reputation has been altered for some because of their choice to view me through the opinion of others. and the truth is that i can do nothing to change that, and i really shouldn't try or worry about it.

do i want to clear things up?

of course.

am i going to be miserable until things change?

not at all.

i have been so sad, so teary; so trembling with heartache
that it felt that who i am was beginning to change, ...but no more.

i realized this morning
that i am at peace.
i have tried to make peace.
and I have found PEACE.

i have taken in the muck and the slandering comments and processed them and really unnecessarily wasted a lot of time and emotion participating in the process of trying to resolve something that the other party is not willing to resolve...yet

i realize that i am trying to carry their burden with them,
and it is not in any way mine to carry.
their opinion of me is theirs,
not mine.
they have the right to choose
how they behave
and what they do with that opinion
and although it is painfully sorrowful
that their choice
includes sharing that opinion
of me with others,
it still does not need
to become my burden.

even when such opinion changes the window pane in which others view me, i am still not responsible for it.
i am only responsible for my reaction to it. i am still me.

i have found peace in that i realized that the only thing that i can do is take what i hear and place it where it belongs. in a literal garbage disposal. it is garbage words, garbage thoughts;
necessary of immediate disposal.

i have no use
for the opinion of others
toward me.

a couple weeks ago it was clear to me that because of this circumstance that a trusted friend had changed their opinion of me. as if to judge me, and i understood not why. i couldn't figure out what had changed.

as it has become clear to me that their view of me has been altered by the opinion another has shared with them i became caught up in that.

almost as if to devastate me.

how could this person see me so differently?
why was i being judged so unfairly?

i realize it is because i have held my tongue. i have not given them any reason to see the situation any differently because i have chosen to not speak ill of the circumstance, or of the other person.

i have taken the fall, the weight of the burden with my silence, because of my respect for the other party i have refused to clear up any misconceptions that might be had of me.

that will not change.

it is not of my will
to make another be seen different.

i would rather suffer the consequence of others choosing to see me through the window pane that is mucked by deceit and opinions and slandering thoughts than to utter a single word unkindly regarding the other party involved.

they are my family, and i love and forgive them.
now the hard part is to forget, move forward,
and to live with a broken heart.

a NOTE to you who know me!

2010-09-20T10:50:00.000-07:00

i started writing a few years ago because i needed a safe place to share, to heal.
i never expected to have so many wonderful people join me in my closet.

thank you for being here.

for the most part it has been a healing safe place...

but I have something that needs to be said.
...i have felt safe to share this place with a few family members,
and a few people have found me here on their own.

of my readers there are a VERY few family members.

if you have been here with me it is because you were invited
and trusted with the most deep feelings that i have.

i am candid.
i am honest.
i am vulnerable.

my pleading has NEVER changed.
if you know me please don't talk about what i share here with anyone.
call me, write me, talk to me but please don't talk about me.

i am an open book, a bleeding heart, and if you call me friend i will be with you in the guts of your life and mine forever.
if you hurt me,
i will forgive you and we can move forward.
if you hurt my kids, watch out.

lately i have not felt that I can come here and write because what i share here has been fodder for some to use against me.

i am now asking that you please respect me enough to stop talking or to not read my blog if you are going to use it for our own entertainment or for your own empowerment with me.

if you are better than me than good for you!
i can and will cheer you on in your successes in life.

i just want peace.

i want to be happy and i want happiness for everyone i dearly love,
and that does means YOU!

i don't enjoy conflict, i don't look for it.
i admit i have made my own mistakes and
i really am working on fixing any errors that i have
ability to fix.

but this last straw....you chose...
and i have been picking up the pieces.

I am done with it and moving forward.
If you are with me great.
If not, then my best wishes.

all is well,
it will get better than this!!!
but for now,
this is as good as it gets,
and it is good enough for us!

i will be back to write. this has always been about healing, and i am on the cusp of healing from yet another abandonment, another abuse.
another painful experience in my life, a betrayal and a unimaginable confusing mess.

thank you to YOU who have wondered where I am,
your love and care has been so much appreciated.
thank you for respecting that I am choosing to not speak ill
of this situation.

This too will pass and I have chosen to rise above it.

I sleep, I cry, and I pray and I know that it will be the best thing for us all in the end.

btw: yes, my mom hurt me.

yes, i have struggled, and yes, been angry.
and sincerely I have forgiven her.
Even forgiven the most recent frustration.
She is aware of my feelings

and she is aware of her weaknesses, and her STRENGTHS.

And she is NOT the problem in my life.
No one is the PROBLEM...there are situations we all have to work through, with each other.
But you can only work out the ones that are willing.

i am willing.

excerpts and focus

2010-09-20T10:11:00.000-07:00

ahem...this will be a bit candid,
but also coded.

I posted a couple of entries a while back and then pulled them.
a few of you read them. and then i disappeared.

for the past 79 days i have been pondering....ALOT

I wrote this ...

my destination is up to me.
i pray for strength to know what choices to make so that i find myself where He desires me to be.

i have been in the shower mid-washing my hair while the heat of the water soothes my aching neck and back, allowing my eyes to weep an ocean of tears, and i thought of a few things, so naturally i threw on my robe and here i am.

with you.

with friends i have never met.

and then i wrote about some worries I had and some decisions that i was needing to make.

i can not post those things now.

it is eerie to me to say this
but exactly
what i was worrying
about those almost
80 days ago
was exactly
what i needed to be worrying about.

never in my life have i wished that i could be WRONG more than i have wished in the past couple of months.

Sadly I was right.

then i wrote:

i have a huge decision to make.
one that will test the very foundation of my family as a unit.

... at this point i feel that i have made a mistake and that i haven't considered what is in the best interest of my children and family, and that unfortunately has perpetuated the cycle of unhealthy mental and emotional exposure.

my intent now is to hopefully prevent
or shorten the need for them to be in therapy as adults.

FAMILIES ARE FOR....ever? or FOR PAIN AND TRIALS THAT WILL LEAD US TO THE DESTINATION THAT HE MOST DESIRES FOR US.

I HAVE HOPE

THAT WE WILL BE A

fOReVEr fAMiLY!

but it will only be by the grace of God and our willingness to do the very hardest things we have ever faced as a family with courage that we will make it to that sacred and wonderful place for all.

at that time I PLEADED:

please PRAY, and wish me STRENGTH and COURAGE to do what i feel is right at this time. and that the HURT that will be caused in the course of this action will be HEALED as we better come to understand His WILL for us in our lives, rather than our selfish will in the moment. i already hope that forgiveness and understanding and PEACE will come of this moment; this tremendously difficult and painful moment.

Okay, so none of that probably really makes sense, however I am so thAnkFuL that i wrote then, so that now I can see progress. It seems really that it has been three steps forward 100 steps back, ...however...I am not minding that I have backstepped 100 steps because the place I am now gives me opportunity to see where mistakes were made, and gives me hope that as we move forward we can make things right and better for all.

Evanescence My Immortal Live @ David Letterman Show

2010-07-05T03:03:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave'

Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus:]

When you cried

I'd wipe away all of your tears

When you'd scream

I'd fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand

through all of these years

But you still have

All of me

You used to captivate me

By your resonating light

Now I'm bound by the life you left behind

Your face it haunts

My once pleasant dreams

Your voice it chased away

All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me

I've been alone all along

[Chorus]

no regret?

2010-06-06T05:07:00.000-07:00

if i don't write this and and get rid of it i will live with regret. or i may do something i will regret.

the regret of holding something in, something that can fester, and weep, and infect, and potentially poison the healing process.

no matter how much i have done to rest and recuperate i had to deal with an open wound, from infection below the skin, that made its way to the surface, and wept out, slowly, over days and time, and needed special care.

i know that the physical healing that i am talking about goes very hand in hand with the emotional healing i need right now.

no matter how far i have come, how much i have forgiven, and how well i seem to be on the surface things are festering below the skin. pains and tremblings, nightmares that unless dealt honestly with can continue to infect my heart and soul.

so here goes. my mom came to help me, to help us, while i was healing physically. my physical healing created a vulnerability in me.
a dependence on those around me to wait on me, and to take care of my kids.

i told you i have focused on the positive, and there are a hundred things she did that were so helpful, and i recognized every single act with appreciation, knowing my inability to do them created a need and she was fulfilling them. she came into my home with a great energy and hope, with honor to do all she could to take care of me.

my mother also came vulnerable; she is insecure and hurting by some things that happened in our family recently. betrayals of her own sister, and my daughter. light laughter's on their behalf towards her, and mocking....nothing that i took lightly and i dealt severely with my own daughter for her participation. but these things, although quickly forgiven, have not been completely forgotten. i see the pain in my daughters eyes as she tries to understand why my mother would do the things she was told of. i see the pain in my mothers eyes as she has now a strained relationship with her granddaughter, because of words. words said to a young girl that have reopened wounds, wounds i spent years trying to soothe and heal for myself. WOUNDS I NEVER WANTED MY CHILD TO EXPERIENCE.

unfairly she heard things, the innocence of her childhood is now pained by knowledge of mine, things i would have rather she never knew.

it would be easy to blame my mental and emotional devastation entirely on this, but that would be a lie.

somewhere along the way
of my healing and neediness
i broke.

like my incision,
something in me festered,
fevered,
and broke open,
and now i am weeping physically
and emotionally.

my mom will be gone by the time i ever feel brave enough to post this, if ever.

and hopefully i will be able to assess what i experienced these weeks, and overcome without creating new regrets in my life.

new pains, pains i create, and those that are ever available to humankind.

but right now i am going out of my mind.
at one point i thought i must be crazy,
she couldn't raise us,
me and my siblings....
what the hell am i doing
inviting her here to help with my kids.

yes, she has changed tremendously,
and she is becoming beautiful,
inside and out,

but what i am feeling right now
is in contrast with any of that.

i am tired, i don't feel well;
physically, emotionally, mentally,
and i am certain i am not making any sense.

i have not gone back to read any of my posts about my mom.

i know they will only compound the wounds
that are so tender right now.

so what i express here,
what i am feeling is in this moment.

it is not the PAST.
it is my PRESENT....my now.

if i could climb a mountain i would scream....SCREAMMMMMMMMMMM

WHYYYYYYYYY....why cant she offer to pick up the kids.

Can she see how tired I am??????

i am so not good at the
ASKING FOR HELP part...

WHYYYYYYYY....cant she make them dinner??????

why cant she just figure it out?????

WHYYYYYYYYY does she always have to ask me

what I AM GOING TO MAKE FOR DINNER TONIGHT????

at one point she complimented me on being so good at creating healthy meals CREATIVELY providing nutrition for my family...
How did I learn to do that?, she asked.
She really just doesn't have that ability, or that confidence.
I do feel so sad for her.
But I answer, "because of you,
I have had to fend for myself since I was two...
I had to learn how."

and , because of her
I so desperately try to do things different.
I so desperately want to be a different kind of Mother.

WHYYYYYYYYYY....does she have to talk

to the dog and cat all day long

and love them so much.

....WHYYYYYYYYYY couldn't she love me that much?????

Sensibly I wonder more specifically
why she can't show her love for me?????

WHYYYYYYYYYYYY does she have to
get so irritated with my kids,

as if they need to be PERFECT..
...she is not even perfect yet,

and neither am I.

and yet she explains
she doesn't like to see them disobeying me
she wants them to be better to me
she is somehow
protecting me???

NOW?????

WHY COULDN"T SHE PROTECT ME THEN?????

for example, one day my daughter was
working outside planting me a flower garden

i went to check on her and my mother said to me
"Don't go out there right now,
that CREEPY GUY is out there,
I don't want him to see you!"

I FREAKED.
MY 13 YEAR OLD
DAUGHTER
IS OUT THERE

ALONE

and she wants to protect me NOW?????

WTF was up with that.
Why didn't she protect me
back when I needed her protection???

aND SERIOUSLY?????

Leaving my 13 year old
outside with the CREEPY GUY
and thinking nothing of it???

I pushed past her and said,
"I am
NOT
leaving her
out there
with him,
What the
Hell are YOU
thinking
???"

And when I

was suppose to be lying in bed
taking care of an open infected wound
instead I was at the store picking up groceries

to bring home to make dinner for everyone.

and WHHHHHYYYYYYYYY does she have to ask me

to drive because she is

more comfortable
with me driving??????

If I am driving and cooking,

and running the kids then

WHHHHHHYYYYYYY
is she here still?????

I know I sound so selfish.

I know that she did not come to do EVERYTHING,

and she has done a lot,

and the 100 things that she did amazing
is what I should be focusing on.

...and I will, in a thank you to her directly,

because she deserves that respect,

...wait...[deserves???]

I don't know,

like I said,

I refuse to go back into my story posts

and read what I felt when she abandoned me,

and when she allowed that asshole to fuck with me.

....deserves is really an overrated adjective.

see what i mean,

about forgiveness.
what is my problem????

i thought i was over this.

it seems that i am grieving, grieving something new,

something that i think is normal.

the NORMAL i wish i had HAD
to have a mother,

a mom....someone to take care of me,

someone who sees the pain i am in
and can comfort me.

something i may have to wait

for the grace of God to ever have.

and so

....i listen to

this:

Evanescence My Immortal

and
this:
Because of You Kelly Clarkson.... [click to link]

and i cry, and the little girl inside of me who is realizing that she will never be able to be hugged and held and comforted, in this life, by a mothers love....is going to go to her grave wishing she knew what that felt like....

CRUSH: freaking out and falling apart

2010-06-05T03:51:00.000-07:00

i hate that i feel such a crushing weight of depression setting in.

i don't feel safe with myself.

i just want to scream and run and cry.

i have held everything in, i don't want to write or say things that admit that the smile i have been faking is fake. it sucks to think that i might hurt someone else by admitting that i am in such agony, and feeling so alone.

so i hold it in, and it only hurts me.....right?

the only safety is up high. and the only way to get there is what i have been avoiding more than admitting that this has gotten to hard for me.

the pain inside sucks. i promised myself that i wouldn't let myself feel this way. i promised that i would rise above what anyone else thought. i promised myself i would focus on the positive, and truthfully, there have been so many positives.

what is wrong is wrong within me, and is regardless of anything that i have faced during the past four weeks.

i cant seem to calm down, to catch my breath.

i feel selfish, and i feel hopeless.

i sit here, so alone; lonely in a crowd.

this feeling seems to be common for the abused, the abandoned, the neglected.

i cant seem to hold back the well of tears anymore.

i think i just need to spend some time crying.
and being alone is probably the best thing for me.

alone. in the dark. here in my closet.

muted

2010-06-03T08:01:00.000-07:00

i feel i can not write. thus i am bottled up inside. like a volcano capped. eruption is imminent and yet, i am incapable of allowing what is boiling to release. i am muted.

if i write about the pains and frustrations i am having then it would seem i don't appreciate the help i have had while healing. so i have been holding it in. and in doing so seem to have lost my ability to speak. and so i am muted.

if i were to say what i am feeling it would seem to some that i have not really forgiven. the pain i have is related to the past, the things i thought i let go of. so i lay writhing in emotional pain. muted.

physically my healing has been complicated by a tiny sore that has begun to fester. it seems so small, or seemed so....until yesterday, when it looked as if it were really getting worse.

from the outside it looks like such a simple wound.

tiny to the eye.

a bit red,

weeping with infection.

but to the hand it is hot, my stomach is distended,
and i am fevering.
i am also very weakened and feeling sick, nauseated.

i am not good at asking for help, if i rehabed my sign would be ASK ME IF I NEED HELP, i am not good at saying so...

yesterday with this wound i pushed through.

i pushed myself to drive my kids to all the places they needed,

each destination seemed exponentially extended

by some little errand

or extra round for something forgotten.

i pondered.

this is so like my emotional wreckage right now. i seem to be running my mind in circles. i never really reach the destination of healing because i am always going back for something.

and my wound, weeping, is like me....weepy,

and something is festering, heated, boiling inside.

if i could scream i would,

but i am muted.

muted by forgiveness

i feel like i am ungrateful to feel the things i am feeling....

i am so frustrated, so angry, so sad. ....

i am about to erupt...
but i am MUTED...

Kelly Clarkson - Because of you

2010-06-03T07:57:00.000-07:00

I will not make the same mistakes that you did

I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery

I will not break the way you did

You fell so hard

I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you

I will never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of youI learned to play on the safe side

So I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust

Not only me, but everyone around me

Because of you

I am afraid I lose my way

And it's not too long before you point it out

I cannot cry

Because I know that's weakness in your eyes

I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh

Every day of my life

My heart can't possibly break

When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you

I will never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side

So I don't get hurt

Because of you

I find it hard to trust

Not only me,

but everyone around me

Because of youI am afraid

I watched you die

I heard you cry

Every night in your sleep

I was so young

You should have known better than to lean on me

You never thought of anyone else

You just saw your pain

And now I cry

In the middle of the night

For the same damn thing

Because of you

I will never stray too far from the sidewalk

Because of you

I learned to play on the safe side

So I don't get hurt

Because of you

I tried my hardest just to forget everything

Because of you

I don't know how to let anyone else in

Because of you

I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty

Because of you

I am afraid

Because of you

upLATE upDATE?

2010-05-24T17:30:00.000-07:00

I really can't believe I let a week pass without an update. Last I wrote I was UP LATE....and I think an UPDATE is certainly in order.

i have been sleeping better, and thankfully....OH SO THANKFULLY...i am weaned completely off of any narcotic [and not replacing it with alcohol...you know me, that is such a bonus]. i worried that having surgery i would be so dependant on a drug....or a drug of choice. this is probably the thing that i am most happy to update. mainly because of my fears, always worried about addiction, knowing all to well the travesty and havoc an addiction can wreak on a family, on an individual.

i feel blessed to have such strength to find myself healing without need for something to mask what the healing feels like.

this has caused me a lot of pondering. i have in past used alcohol or other choice drugs as a way to mask the pain....the pains of past horrors, the pain of the healing process, the pain that day to day functioning can bring....

it feels so empowering to be able to have some control over my healing....my OWN healing.

this may be a physical healing process, from surgery....but the elements of healing that this process has surged are quite unbelievable. when all you have to do is sleep, and rest, and ponder...a LOT crosses your mind. this has become an opportunity for emotional and mental healing, with a spiritual strength entact.

it has also been really hard, and really blessed. [does that make sense?]

What i do know is that many prayers have been said. I feel them, and I thank those of you who are reading, who are here with me, in my healing, in my closet.

what i hope is that what i have learned will find words, expressions, so that i can better understand them myself, and so that i can share them with you....

my mind is quite weary....writing seems to take more effort than i have strength, and nothing comes natural these days. a LOT is on my mind....

remember my mom???

well, she has been here to take care of me, to help support my healing. It has been as hard as it has been a blessing. I have learned what true forgiveness is, and what the POWER of forgiveness does for healing. I have also learned that forgiveness does not take the sting out of some things.

I happened to have a meltdown or two, a breakdown of sorts. I remember that there is beauty in the breaking, and that being broken is better, and while broken....there is something to be let go of, and potential for something anew.

but....in one moment i said something,

something i can not take back,

something i regret,

because now

it is me...

not HER.

what she did,

or DIDN"T do,

is not made better
by my reaction

obviously i have a lot of work

to do in that department.

thank goodness for time

and opportunity

and forgiveness.

i am off to ponder....and patiently heal.

it's late...or early?

2010-05-18T01:17:00.000-07:00

i am up

cant sleep

no comfort to be found

the temptation to drink
to sleep pain and agony free
is unbearable

i hurt in places i didn't know had feeling

and so i am up

sitting

thinking

healing is such a long process,

a process that needs patience

in my weary state i am about out of patience

the thing is there is NOTHING i can do about it

i can not make my body heal any faster than it will

i can not run from it

and now i cant sleep it off

so....i am stuck, out of control,
trying to endure; with hope, faith, and patience

and i can't stop thinking about things so my mind and emotions are also a mess

so i am up

that's pretty much all i got

healing is so hard

2010-05-17T09:01:00.000-07:00

healing is so hard. it has been 11 days since my surgery. i have felt great blessing as i have been surrounded by love and comfort. i have smiled and laughed. i truly am thankful for the positive in my life. there is so much.

because there is so much to be thankful for i have a really hard time with the negative that rears its ugly head from time to time.

i want to be patient in my healing.

i want to be thankful.

so why do i feel this way?

i really don't feel i have

good reason to be

so angry.

everyone around me is trying so hard.

everyone is making sacrifices for me to heal.

bending over backwards

to be helpful,

kind,

patient,

all contributing to my physical healing.

i told my husband a few nights ago that i felt that i was emotionally/mentally handling how i am feeling with strength and courage.

i wrote she cries at night a few nights after i was home from the hospital. it was HEALING, to write, it took COURAGE to share.

so WHY????

i was thinking this morning that it was the fact that i cant CONTROL anything right now.

control is so important when you have been in a situation where you were CONTROLLED and SUBMISSIVE, and HURT.

i was, we all were; abuse, abandonment....addictions...those are all circumstances where lives are out of CONTROL, as we SUMBIT to the abuser or addiction we are caused great HURT in our lives.

it can even be an emotional/mental/physical pain, anxiety, depression....the things we have no control over, the things that seem to control us.

and these very things take daily WORK to overcome.

yes, HEALING IS HARD.

i am trying to be a good patient, to be patient with my healing. but this LACK OF CONTROL over things in my life, my body, is driving me completely insane.

and no matter the love i am surrounded by, i feel alone. so ALONE.

it is like i have lost FAITH, and HOPE.....

and so i come here, and i read....and i write.

Superfluous Brunette wrote:

"The reason we try to control life or other people,

is to really control our own emotions."

in another post she wrote:

"But the irony of control,

just as with addictions

(another way to control

or completely avoid our painful feelings)

is that it ends up causing us more pain

and drives us even further away from

resolving these things in our life

and further away from ourselves."

today i feel her pain for control.

she wears a mask,

to hide her pains,

she needs a hand to hold....

this virtual world, of healing, of hope,

is such a beautiful place to be.

as i read, i feel less ALONE, and filled with HOPE, and FAITH...and it is all because of you, all of YOU.

THANK YOU, for reading me, and for writing.

i take morsals of all you offer and

feast upon your words, and i remember.

i remember that there is a greater good in the pain we experience.

i remember that i have a place to turn, a Savior, who loves and who heals and who promised to never leave us alone.

and i remember that He said it is often through anothers kindness that you will see the Hand of God.

each of you are exactly that. you are beautiful, you are the Hand of God in the lives of those like you; those hurting, those needing Healing. and as HARD as HEALING is....coming here, gives me HOPE, another day....

one step at a time.....

CONTROL is an illusion.... and really it comes down to TRUST in HIM who controls everything....so we don't have to.

she cries at night

2010-05-17T08:38:00.000-07:00

i am recovering from having a hysterectomy.[there, i said it].
wednesday was the day, 5/5/10. 11:11 AM was the time when they came to tell me it was time.and i began to weep.
i had been so strong going into this; so brave.
in an instant, a moment, everything about that changed. my brave face wore off and i had to discover if i really had courage.
as they wheeled me back, i knew that nothing would soothe the empty ache i was about to face.
i really had done all i could to be prepared for this; prayers, blessings, coming to terms with facts, and acceptence. acceptence in body, mind, and spirit.
i forgot raw emotion.
i was okay until the charge nurse came in to go over everything, the papers, the details. i had asked questions,signed papers, put on the hospital handcuff in a statement that i would stay. i agreed with everything that was asked of me, i felt calm and peaceful
the blow that came next knocked the wind out of me and i have yet to catch my breath.
the nurse handed me one final paper. 'this one' she states 'clarifies that you of your own free will are choosing sterilization.'
i must have looked confused, i didn't take the paper from her like i had the others. she saw my
hesitation and further explained, 'it states that you are here by your own account and opting to have a surgery that will leave you unable to bare children.'
i said to her, 'are you serious?'
she put the paper on a clipboard in my lap.
i looked at B. this was a cruel joke.
'what?' i asked.
she simply said, 'in order to have the surgery you need to sign it stating you understand it is elective surgery. it is your choice.'
at this point tears are welling up in my eyes.
i don't get it.
all this time i have been advised to have the surgery, it is not something i picked.
the policy, she continues to explain, is that a woman has the choice no matter her condition and that signing the form makes it clear that i understand i will no longer be able to concieve and carry a child.
inside i feel like i am writhing, i try to look at B through my tears, i can not bring myself to put my signiture, my name, on that piece of paper.
'WHY', i ask her, i don't get why i have to sign it.
i didn't choose this, to suffer pains and growths and other symptoms that make daily life difficult at best. this surgery is to alleviate all that. to make my quality of life, of motherhood, better.it is not optional, or elective. i came willingly, isn't that enough.
i can't bring myself to sign it. suddenly all the courage i had is used up and i feel completely out of control in pain, agony, confusion.
simply the hospital requires a patient to acknowledge awareness of the choice and the understanding that it would make me sterile. such horrible words, and thoughts, zapping the strength i had stored to endure this peaceably.
NO, my head and heart were screaming, children, unborn, those hoped for, prayed for, pleaded and ached for that place within me. oh, the sorrow that i was feeling.
'Do i really have to sign it?' i hear myself ask her.
suddenly i feel the finality of the decision become mine. B says, "no, you dont, we can leave", he sits nearer to me, and i feel myself signing, without even looking. as if in denial. it is done.a weeping begins, which weeping of heart will never cease.
it becomes blurry to me, suddenly i am no longer crying in b's arms,but weeping on the gurney.
i found interesting metaphore that they put me into a bed, carefully lifting the sides, tucking me in, a warm blanket, under the covers so soothing, brians hand on my head, i feel like an infant in a crib, like the babies i will not have, the bed becomes a womb for me, my only piece of physical security left in that moment, all other stripped away from me as we walk away from the waiting room where B was left behind.
one kiss, one caress of my forehead, a look of love, concern and sorrow as our eyes met, the last time we are together while i am whole.
the further we go the more it feels like a suicide to my motherhood, i can't get it out of my mind that i chose this. the confusion, my heart wont hear what my head can't make sense of.
i weep harder the closer we get the more sterile the environment.
sterile, like i will be.
people are walking like robots. going through the motions. i become a number, a room number, a patient number. no longer a being, heart and soul. i look like everyone else, in my cap and gown, yet so different, i am still weeping.
the orderly parks me in patient parking. it is quiet. it strikes me that now i really am a stranger in a territory whose customs are unfamiliar to me. their ways don't align with mine today.then i don't feel with me anymore.
people are asking this poor weeping woman if she is okay, i feel so seperated from who i am. and then i hear it, the lullaby; a sound i will dread hearing over the next few days. each time a new baby is born in the hospital they will play it.
now people are asking me if i am sure i want this surgery. did i sign the paper?'this paper' they say as they show it to me. i see my signature. i do not respond right away.a woman asks, 'are you sure you don't want any more children?'
all the wrong questions. she explains if i am feeling apprehensive maybe i should reconsider, it can not be reversed.
i feel so helpless, i know they don't mean harm but i feel like they are bullies on the playground. they have found my weakness and keep taunting me.
i could be ninety,would they ask me the same things. i know i can't have more children, it has been 9 long years of wishing, of praying, of hoping....that somehow it would just happen because that was God's will for me. i know it is not, i know that nothing would change if i said no today, we still would not have more children. i recognize my blessings, all four of them. i want to live for them, for me. not just alive, but LIVE with quality and patience, healthy and pain free.
i look at the anesthesiologist and beg him. 'i am ready, please just get me to sleep.' i don't want to feel what i am feeling anymore, please. from the darkness of this moment will come light, i need it to move forward.
i wake up, sort of. i hear someone crying, wailing really. people are trying to soothe her. she is inconsolable. she is writhing in pain, truly wailing. oh, how i want to comfort her. to tell her it will all be okay. she sounds so desperate, if loss were a sound she is making it. the crying is so disturbing and it is hard for me to relax. i hear people saying that she needs to be taken to a room. i think no, bring her to me. i will hold her. and then i see brian, and he is telling her it will all be okay...then i realize the sounds of anquish are coming from me. from my emptyness, a pit of despair.
there goes that song again, why do they have to keep playing it. i continue to cry, calming each time to be reawakened in grief by a lullaby.
i find comfort in Mr B's voice, his hand, the look of desperation on his face for me to be okay. i find peace in his patience. allowing me to feel the grief, and caring about where it came from. i am made whole because he loves me...even when pieces of me are missing, even when i am broken. even when i lack courage, lose a brave face, always when i cry, when i cry at night.

when she cries

2010-05-08T08:56:00.000-07:00

Restless Heart - When She Cries Music Videos SPIKE.com

me cries:
it is not the first time,
and it wont be the last.

i am home, and physically well.
i had better mental emotional days,
but come on, it has been three days.

in three days i have lost something,
accepted loss,
laughed,
cried,
experienced pain and anguish,
experienced peace and hope.
doubted acceptance, been afraid,

certain ups and downs to be expected.

i wrote during the night,
for hours,
and i am weary from crying,
tired because i am stubborn,
and sincerely angry today.

i remember this

January Ensign Magazine,

Boyd K. Packer:

it was meant to be that life

would be a challenge.

to suffer some anxiety,

some depression,

some disappointment,

even some failure is normal.

[we learn]

that if we have a good,

miserable day once in a while,

or several in a row,

to stand steady and face them.

things will straighten out.

there is great purpose in our struggle in life.

and so, with what i have left

i accept only this,

if it is a good miserable day today,

and even if tomorrow is a little difficult

i must stand strong.

how i stand strong right now

is by allowing others to take

care of me,

rest,

sleep,

heal

be patient and

do not try

to understand

everything.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

...and if not

maybe tomorrows morrow

will be.

coMpAsSiOn

2010-04-28T13:00:00.000-07:00

Compassion: n. sorrow, pity, sympathy, empathy, feeling, mercy, commiseration, kindness, kindliness, tenderness, heart, tenderheartedness, clemency, solicitousness, solicitude, caring, consideration, concern, fellow feeling.
----Ant. mercilessness, indifference.
---Syn. Study. SEE SYMPATHY.

i PROBABLY do not have to explain why this word is full of so much meaning. Those of us who have experienced trial, abuse, sorrow, know all to well what compassion is.

True compassion.

The kind of compassion that doesn't say, "i told you so", or "i know how you feel, listen to me, what i have been through".
The kind of compassion that says nothing.
And in that silence you hear "i love you",
"i am sorry for your pain",
"i wish i could do something,
but i know that nothing will
lessen your pain right now
so i will just hug you."

recently i found out that i have to have a pretty major surgery to overcome this trial i have had for so long in my life. many many in my life who have had this have offered me solace. solace in words of comfort, in looks of love, in prayers. these offerings have been beautiful and great at this time while i make some pretty heavy decisions and try to find peace in them.

i can't seem to get one experience out of my mind, and hope my heart never forgets the lesson i learned.

we all experience things. some things are familiar to others on our journey, because they have been there. how tempting is it to want to comfort another by telling them how we have felt, what we experienced, and how they can overcome it.

but for this moment hear what i learned. sometimes it is really hard to listen to anothers experience in depth, when our pain at the time is so deep.

sometimes it is really hard to focus on anothers past pain when our present is so great.

my sister, bless her, experienced what i am going through.
she had a terrible experience.
she went into her surgery with circumstances beyond the belief of most humankind.
it was terrible for her.
i was by her side, and watched her carry that burden, that sorrow.
i tried to offer comfort, compassion, but really...i didn't know at all what she was going through.

i have been feeling really sorry for myself lately.

feeling like i don't want this trial [do we ever really want our trials...?] anyhow, i really have been very quiet in my sorrow, trying to figure out where my strength to deal with this will come.

i saw my sister last week. she HUGGED me. that was it. SHE HUGGED ME. and in that quiet hug all that needed to be said was said. I softly cried in her arms, she held me tighter. she said NOTHING....no words to make it better....[because really, they can't] ...no reminiscing of her own pain...[because lets be honest, does that really help the person to know you suffered...the same, or more.....]

in her quiet compassion, my quiet sorrow was soothed. somehow i was able, because she was quiet, to hear the voice of the Lord say to me. all will be well. trust me....and feel of my love and comfort...

i heard more in the silence than in the hours of advice and conversation i have had otherwise.

thank you, my dear sister, for understanding what brings true comfort. sometimes it is simply in a hug, a prayer, a feeling.

i wrote my sister a letter which i will include here, because i never want to forget what she did for me in that simple, yet profound, moment.

thank you.

Sister,

I really should have emailed you immediately after seeing you this week. Or called, or written...but with the chaotic nature of raising kids this will have to do. Also, I wanted the emphasize how much it meant to me. I could all bold or capitalize the words...but wont be thus annoying. I love you and mean this from the bottom of my heart and soul.

I LOVE YOU. I thank you dearly for your compassion and love to me. When you hugged me it was the first morsel of comfort that I received since hearing about my circumstance with the tumors and cysts.

I have been lost in an ocean of tears and pain. Pain both physical and emotional. And when you hugged me I felt renewed. I felt loved by someone who had been where I am right now. A true and sincere compassion. One that many never experience, or act upon. Truly Christlike, and you exemplified the love that He would have us give one another.

You didn't make it about you, you didn't tell me your pain, you just soothed mine. I so appreciate that. You offered me a safety in your arms that allowed me to feel comfort, peace, hope and healing.

Because of that. Because you said no words, you opened an opportunity for me to hear the word of the Lord. You really gave me the chance to hear His comforting words that all would be well, with me, and with you.

It was beautiful. In that moment. That simple hug that felt a lifetime, I thought of something. I have been so sorrowful for what I am about to face. I have had such tremendous pain and agony physically and emotionally, at the thought of this impending surgery, that I had forgotten I wasn't alone.

I had forgotten that others suffer similar, and sometimes far greater, this trial. I felt such empathy and compassion from you and I realized something. The grieving I was doing for myself was nothing like the loss you suffered.

I am so sorry for what you have experienced, for your pain and suffering. Sweetie, I know I was there to help with the babies....but I missed something. You lost the opportunity to have more, to grow your family until you felt complete. I feel so terribly bad for your loss. I feel so selfish that I have been aching all this time for mine, without realizing that you had been there, you knew, you KNOW. And if ever I could do anything to repair the pain you have I want you to know that I would. I wish I had carried a child for you. I wish I had offered something, anything....

I can only hope that you have been hugged, the very way you hugged me. I can pray that you have peace and comfort, like what I felt from you. I love you, my sister. And I do pray that all is well with you. And I do hope for healing, and happiness, all the days of your life.

I know that you face many challenges right now. With family and raising little ones, and physical pains. I love you. I really want you to know that I am here, anytime. Please talk to me and let me be a comfort and strength to you. Let me have the chance to hold you, so that you can hear the things you need to hear.

I love you Sister,

Thank you.

Words of comfort in a favorite hymn:

Savior, may I learn to love thee,
Walk the path that thou hast shown,
Pause to help and lift another,
Finding strength beyond my own.
Savior, may I learn to love thee-
Lord, I would follow thee.

Who am I to judge another
When I walk imperfectly?
In the quiet heart is hidden
Sorrow that the eye can't see.
Who am I to judge another?
Lord, I would follow thee.

I would be my brother's keeper;
I would learn the healer's art.
To the wounded and the weary
I would show a gentle heart.
I would be my brother's keeper-
Lord, I would follow thee.

Savior, may I love my brother
As I know thou lovest me,
Find in thee my strength, my beacon,
For thy servant I would be.
Savior, may I love my brother-

Lord, I would follow thee.

lyrics by Susan Evans McCloud

Pain

2010-04-20T13:43:00.000-07:00

I am really not sure I can put into words today something that is really positive. That good day kind of writing the Steve E. asked me to write about.

What I can say is I have had a LOT of GREAT days this past month,
and on those days
I have lived life,
loved,
and laughed.

...and haven't taken the time to write/blog.

Life has been good to me and
I have had
some really
GREAT
feel GOOD days.

But today...today I need to write, and I am hesitant because what I need to write is brought to you by a cloud.

I know that behind this dark cloud is sunshine. Behind this cloud is an infinity of GOODNESS...but today it is a cloud. And feeling like I do I need to be HERE and write....about my pain.

Pain....a physical pain. Pain of tumors and cysts, and fears....That is what I am facing right now. It's not NEW pain. This is something I have had most of my life, and many many surgeries to correct. ...and yet it comes back.

Something always grows back.

It reminds me of the pain of abuse.
It reminds me of the pain of abandonment.

After surgery and recovery I feel great.
I have hope that it wont COME back.

I live. I laugh. I love.

And then it creeps up on me again.

Just a smudge of pain here.
A tug of pain there,
and then it gets in my head.

Is this the PAIN I have had before? Is this something new?

After a while when it hasn't just gone away, wished away, ignored and/or prayed away....I have to go investigate.

Is this PAIN really here ....AGAIN???

Today, confirmation....the PAIN is back...the tumors are bigger.
The cysts have joined the party just to make sure that what is going on is REALLY going on!

And I have to make a decision.
A really big decision. A decision I have ran from for 17 years....Do I want this to go away forever....for always?

Or do I do what I have always done....a temporary fix?

I don't know what to do....but I am pondering and praying, and in my quiet hour I will find the answers I need.

Answers that will be best for me and for my family.

But for now....the pain is not the physical pain....but the emotional torment that this may be the end of the pain. [Does that even make sense? ]

I may have to
give up the way I want things to be
to discover peace.

Finally a peace...of mind, and body.

Just the thought of it causes a different pain.

A pain I am not ready to face.

Today...

2010-04-20T13:39:00.000-07:00

All at once,

The world can overwhelm me

There's almost nothin' that you could tell me

That could ease my mind

Which way will you run

When it's always all around you

And the feelin' lost and found you again

A feelin' that we have no control

Around the sun

Some say

There's gonna be the new hell

Some say

It's still too early to tell

Some say

It really ain't no myth at all

Keep askin' ourselves are we really

Strong enough

There's so many things that we got

Too proud of

We're too proud of

We're too proud of

I wanna take the preconceived

Out from underneath your feet

We could shake it off

Instead we'll plant some seeds

We'll watch em' as they grow

And with each new beat

From your heart the roots grow deeper

The branches will they reach for what

Nobody really knows

But underneath it all

Theres this heart all alone

What about is gone

And it really won't be so long

Sometimes it feels like a heart is no place to be singin' from at all

There's a world we've never seen

There's still hope between the dreams

The weight of it all

Could blow away with a breeze

If your waiting on the wind

Don't forget to breathe

Cause as the darkness gets deeper

We'll be sinkin as we reach for love

At least somethin we could hold

But I'll reach to you from where time just cant go

What about is gone

And it really wont be so long

Sometimes it feels like a heart is no place to be singin' from at all

mr. B...a GOOD day...and a busy week!

2010-03-29T08:11:00.000-07:00

oh, how i wish i had taken the time on friday to tell you that i did have a GOOD day....a better day.

my morning was rough,
and my heart was broken
and aching
and shattered;
from my terrible temperament

no excuses...i was sad
and i wrote....it is how i felt.

moments after i wrote, as if God felt he could prove His infinite power and my individual worth to Him....my mr. B walked through the door;

an angel sent, in my moment of distress.

he took the day off, to be with me.

'did I need anything?'

he couldn't have known

i weep in silence,
i don't call
and plead
and beg
and cause riots
for his attention, but he knew.

HOW did he know????

he knew, because He knew

oh, i am ashamed to be so pathetic at times, to be so needy, and yet in that moment, the balm that i needed to pull myself up and take on the day with a better light, more strength, was given to me....

and the character
that has grown in me
from my challenges,
strengthened;
and from the depth
of my darkness
came light.

we need people, we need each other....and i wish that i had just written a word or two to tell you....THANK YOU.

....thank you Steve...and Prayer Girl...
for your consistent care for me,
your thoughtful comments friday.

and thank you ALL, so many of you
who read, and write,
and comment,
and pray,
you who are here,
for me

---your love and prayers,
and the miracle that comes
of others praying
on our behalf
....for me,
for us.

mr. B walked through that door and his arms were the armor I needed to battle the depression and anxiety that was cresting within me....

It was a GOOD day!

a HAPPY day....and gave me strength
and anchored me in the HOPE
that I can have many GOOD and HAPPY days,

even when I feel broken and lonely and discouragement....

so CHEERS, my friends,
each of you...who are here

reading,
weeping,
healing,
and hoping...

i, too, am here,
and working on healing....

i will be very busy for a week with family in town,
so my absence is only
that I am engaged in some good works,
I will be back....late next week!

and i hope to have a HAPPY update
and to find you all here,

healing with HOPE, LIGHT,
and having your own GOOD DAY S
from time to time!

mile 191

aLONe agAiN...and PLeAsE dO nOT eXCusE

2010-03-26T11:43:00.000-07:00

Today feels like this...for me:

Link here
to hear the original version
of Gilbert O' Sullivan
singing Alone Again, Naturally

In a little while from now

If I'm not feeling any less sour

I promise myself to treat myself

And visit a nearby tower

And climbing to the top will throw myself off

In an effort to make it clear to

whoever

what it's like when you're shattered

Left standing in the lurch at a church

Where people saying:

"My God, that's tough

She's stood him up"

No point in us remaining

We may as well go home

As I did on my own

Alone again, naturally

To think that only yesterday

I was cheerful, bright and gay

Looking forward to well

wouldn't do

The role I was about to play

But as if to knock me down

Reality came around

And without so much, as a mere touch

Cut me into little pieces

Leaving me to doubt

Talk about God and His mercy

Or if He really does exist

WHY did He desert me
in my hour of need...

I truly am indeed Alone again, naturally

It seems to me that there are more hearts

broken in the world
that can't be mended

Left unattended

What do we do? What do we do?

Alone again, naturally

Now looking back over the years

And whatever else that appears

I remember I cried when my father died

Never wishing to hide the tears

And at sixty-five years old

My mother,
God rest her soul,

Couldn't understand why the only man

She had ever loved had been taken

Leaving her to start with a heart so badly broken

Despite encouragement from me

No words were ever spoken

And when she passed away

I cried and cried all day

Alone again, naturally

Alone again, naturally

i suppose that takes some explaining...and all i can say is this:

i was up early...my friday, our friday, at the end of a long week and the crest of another LONG week to come. with seconds to spare, and here i am...in my closet.

i did my chores, and the chores that were left behind by the kids this morning....and wrestling them all into their morning routines,

into the car and ...off to school...

not without tears...

oh, i have had many many tears this morning...

In a little while from now

If I'm not feeling any less sour

i have cried this morning too many times to count...

i cried when i saw the dishes in the sink,
i cried when i saw the dust on my piano,
i cried when my son was still in his pajama
doing homework 5 minutes after we needed to leave,

i cried when my daughter made me toast,
while i was vacuuming...

why does she had to do that?

i know she is trying to be good to me,
but that reminds me of another song...
a song that reminds me of fixing my moms tears...

.I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that
time cannot erase

[Chorus:]
When you cried
I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream
I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand
through all of these years
But you still have
All of me.

i cried when my Mr. B told me he was taking the day off
to help me....with my busy day...

why do i have to be so broken...somedays.

To think that only yesterday

I was cheerful, bright and gay...

i was...yesterday i was happy, and pleasant,
and i didn't say the cutting mean things i said today...

i didn't make my kids feel like THEY had broken me,
yesterday...

but today...i don't know what i said,
i don't remember the words,
but i will never forget the look on their faces,
the hurt in their eyes...their slumped shoulders
as they walked through the doors to school.

...oh, how my words cut and broke them...

i didn't break the cycle of abuse today,
i broke their poor tender once innocent hearts.

But as if to knock me down
Reality came around
And without so much, as a mere touch
Cut me into little pieces
Leaving me to doubt
Talk about God and His mercy
Or if He really does exist
Why did He desert me in my hour of need

with days like today...what will my daughter say about me:

Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

we get to school, me with them,

my kids are kissing me goodbye,
'mom, i love you...i'm sorry...
don't be mad at me'

why do they have to apologize?

it is not their fault i am broken,

but they think it is...

its not their fault i broke today,

but i made them think it was.

my youngest went to get out of the car.
i took a good look,
and there in the wonder of his eyes
he pleaded,
'mommy, don't be sad'

i didn't even answer,
my cold shield held back the
offer to be loved,
and to love.

instead,
i noticed he had no coat,

and it is snowing,

its is as cold outside
as i am inside

no coat,
no undershirt,

and now i have to run him home,
and back to school... and he is late.

and i don't have
TIME or PATIENCE or ENERGY
today for this mistake

please do not excuse little j,
for being late to school.
he left without a coat,
and he is old enough to know
what he is responsible for
in getting ready for school.

i have taught him well,
he has no rhyme,
no reason,
no EXCUSE.

my breaking today...is no eXCusE.

.And climbing to the top will throw myself off.

.It seems to me that there are more hearts

broken in the world that can't be mended

Left unattended

What do we do? What do we do?

Alone again, naturally.

In an effort to make it clear to whoever

what it's like when you're shattered.

oh, i really don't know.
what comes tomorrow,
of my mistakes today.

how long until
they wont
ask me anymore
or tell me
or forgive me....

and i don't blame them, PleAsE dO nOT eXCusE.

deep insecurity

2010-03-23T08:21:00.000-07:00

i have a side effect i am certain troubles me greatly because of the past, and yet I recognize that it is something that plagues women...people, all mankind, in general.

the trouble of being deeply insecure, and easily offended. both of these traits are not ones i am proud to carry. i easily express to others that taking offense is an option. you don't have to be effected so greatly by others words, opinions, actions....and then as if to mock me i find myself hearing something said and being so wounded, again.

insecurity is such a painful mask to wear. one that hides a persons truth, a persons value, in the treacherous comparison of what others can do, what others are doing, and what others might be expecting of you, of me.

i hurt.

i ache.

i tremble.

i ponder and plead to know that i have value, worth.

i hear the words of the song by Orianthi:

According To You

I'm stupid
I'm useless
I can't do anything right

According to you
I'm difficult
Hard to please
Forever changing my mind
I'm a mess in a dress
Can't show up on time
Even if it would save my life
According to you
According to you

except that it is according to me....

it is me that beats me down these days. it can spark by something simple, a word, a reaction, a pouty teenager....and i am my worst enemy.

according to me...i am inconsistent, i am useless, worthless, incapable, constantly screwing something up.... seems i have heard those things before... from him.

my abuser...why can't i get him out of my head...when there is so much good and new in my life, in my heart....

WHY do i continue to make room for him?

why can i NOT be secure, and content, and constant.....and patient.

where is my solace. my peace.

he no longer has me and yet he controls so much because i let him....he had my childhood, i don't want to give any more of my life to him, and yet...in one thought, one statement i find myself spinning myself into a new nightmare, one that tells me that what i am doing today is not good enough, is not worthwhile, and doesn't amount to anything.

i want so much to overcome this.

to be strong enough.... to not let one more day be taken by his malicious venom.

please... let go of me,
and let me live,
in light,
in peace,
in hope,
in joy.

this moment in time is mine. i keep telling myself that.

and when things come up, when i see my follies, my mistakes...they are just that, a simple setback and yet a growing opportunity...and i can move forward.

why don't i believe that in the aching parts of my soul.
why do i feel so hopeless, and so dejected.

in general we are our best critics. even when no one else sees our faults we project our faults as if they were world renown. we don't remember the infinite value, the incredible beings we are, and the worth of our individuality. we see the scum, the rot that their abuse left deep in our core.... and that is something that i pray doesn't take my whole lifetime to overcome.

i want to be able to say this:

I am a daughter of God, who loves me...and I love him...

I have infinite value and worth in me.

I am me and that is enough....

oh, someday let me believe.

pain knitted in healing

2010-03-17T03:25:00.000-07:00

Rhonda's grandmother told her:

Don't you say a thing to ruin him.

So I am wondering....

Why is it always about protecting the family member that needs castration?
Why can't those who are suppose to love and care and protect have the instincts to do such?

I am just wondering...

Zan wrote:
I guess it is time, to sit down and have that cry. Cry for my sister and the pain she is in. But also accept there is nothing I can do. I do not hold the key. She does. I hold the key to my own problems, my own issues, my own pain. She has a separate key. They may both lead to similar memories and feelings but they are not identical, they are separate.

So I am wondering...

There is so much similarity in our pains, and yet we are so individual at the same time. We are here for each other, and some things feel familiar, and yet, we have a key to our own healing. A key within us. I have a key. I am sure it is there, ...I am still searching.

I always think that somehow I can love enough, care enough, protect enough; to heal the pains of those around me. But that doesn't make sense now, with what I expected from those who were suppose to love and care and protect me.

If I didn't feel it, does anyone around me feel it from me?

Is what I am doing enough?
And if I can't find my own key, am I doing any one else any good?

I am just wondering...

VICKI IN AZ gave me this:

Well she didn't just give it to me. She gave the offering to all of us and I watched it and listened today. With my heart and with my mind and soul. I have heard it before, but today it etched something in me that I needed. I suppose being broken; being open, I was able today to feel the balm of healing, an offering that Broken is Better.

And that with what is broken I can become....

thank you friend ♥

Yes, I am wondering...and reaching.

Yes, I am trying to heal.

Break of day heals night....

I sit here in the break of my day....reading and searching...finding morsels of peace; in prayer, in scripture, in your words; words of wisdom, of healing, of pleading for peace.

Yes, Peace.
The light of the day,
that chases away the nightmares,
the night terrors,
the darkness.

There is light peaking in my closet.

Broken souls that needs His mending....

...this broken soul that cries for mending...

Could it be that God loves broken things?

...i am wondering if that means me?

same shit, different kid

2010-03-15T11:11:00.000-07:00

i really do NOT like being a pessimist

i am struggling so much
right now with my ups and downs

it seems the harder I fight
the harder the fight is

i suspect that the good is good
and the bad is bad
is the way it is
everywhere
for you
for me
for everyone

QUESTION TODAY:

do all sex offenders
go to the same school?

are they taught things
stuff to do to mess
with kids heads
and hearts
and bodies

stuff so that therapists
have a rule of thumb
a right reaction
a word or solution

why is it that they do
the same shit
different kid

yeah, i am struggling

my daughter, bless her 13 year old heart, came to me a few days ago and asked me if it is "really true that someone can stick their fingers in you to check and see if you are a virgin".

i FREAKED...inside.

inside i say because

happily
for the first time EVER
i was able to maintain
some composure
about myself
and not allow my problems
my childhood
my upbringing
to contaminate hers

i asked her 'why' she was asking me.

[a good mom question, i thought]

she told me she is
reading the book
'the lovely bones'

which she got from school, and of which book she saw the movie with a friend. ...a movie i will probably never be able to sit through. a movie that i will never ever want to have to hear about again....a move about a murder of a girl, which movie does not go in to the depth of the abuse that you get from reading the book, a book of which i will also never read....or wouldn't have....but must now, for her

today i have a daughter
stained by the work of the world
stained by the thoughts of abuse
in her head
the thoughts and feelings
that i have
not given to her from my childhood

thoughts suggested in a teens book

sick and twisted
and wrong

and truth...don't forget TRUTH...

what happened to Cinderella, and Ever After....
to Princess and the Pea... and If you give a mouse a cookie...

i answered her query

the best that i could
how do you tell an somewhat innocent
girl that the man who did that
in the story of her book
was disgusting
and twisted
and defiled that little girl

murdering her was his best work

how do you tell her
when your heart is bleeding
your mind is racing
and you feel like your being suffocated
by her innocent, and yet not, question

suffocated by your past
your memories
and you are beginning to panic

again

here is where i am
i answered her question
i told her yes, and no...

i didn't tell her
that he did that to me
frequently

i didn't tell her
about the pregnancy
i didn't tell her
about the rape
i didn't tell her
about all the fowl and vile
and intrusive
reckonings
of my childhood

i just told her that yes,
she has a skin
of innocence

every girl does

and it can be broken
a lot of different ways...

i told her lovingly
all that a mother should
in innocence
and in confidence.

i hugged her
so she couldn't see the tear in my eye.

i told her that i was thankful that she came to me
and i hoped she always would.

i asked her
if she had any other questions
i asked her
if she really wanted to read that book
i asked her
to please come to me
and not be afraid
and not be alone
and not worry

i will always be here
i will always protect her
i will always love her
all of her
everything about her

no matter what

when she left me
in my room
i sat frozen
fear took over
and fear has stayed

i have protected her from so much
and yet
abuse
came into her life
in a way i never considered

she is probably fine
and because i was composed
and full of love and tenderness
in handling the circumstance
she will be better for her knowledge
her understanding
of something she doesn't
hopefully
ever have to live WITH
but can be sensitive to

abuse

and now i am in my mode
of healing from this...
healing from the panic
and anxiety
and suffocation

of a simple innocent question
an innocence that was never mine
not since i was nine.

When it's good, then it's good, till it goes bad...

Sober: Pink

2010-03-15T01:49:00.000-07:00

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the mornin'
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Ah, the sun is blindin'
I stayed up again
Oh, I am findin'
That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
'Cause I won't remember, save your breath
'Cause what's the use?

Ah, the night is callin'
And it whispers to me softly, "Come and play"
But I, I am fallin'
And if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
I'm lookin' for myself, sober

Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down
Spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round, spinnin' 'round
Lookin' for myself, sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good 'til it goes bad
'Til you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry 'never again'
Broken down in agony, just tryin' find a friend, oh, oh

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe up high, nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain inside, you're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

happy Trails, Smiles, and Hope...

2010-03-08T07:18:00.000-08:00

Good morning friends.

In our path of healing we meet one another, and when we see someone down and out or veering from the path of healing we reach out to them.

We offer our shoulder, our kind words, a feeling in our safe HUGS that gives each other a moment to rest, and reflect, and ponder.

I could write so many things as I have felt so much healing and perspective from each of the comments you all left for me.

You gave me hope, and peace, and contemplation.

I have felt surrounded by so much support, and I thank you.
I will come back and ponder them all.

One thought that I keep thinking about is that our insides are not like
anyones outsides [prayer girl]. ...and that I need to not compare my experiences, or my healing to anyones.

Of course I can understand and empathize with many many experiences, and I can hope for healing which I see happening, but what is mine is mine, and I am equipped to live through, handle, and heal in my experiences.

And you are all here with me,
helping me,
buoying me,
and offering me the most amazing words,
and in your words a shoulder to rest upon,
even words of healing scripture for my heart and soul.
So THANKS.

In the meantime enjoy this following thought from my son.
It was beautifully said, and I am so happy in that moment that I was with him in his pondering, which have launched my own contemplations.

J said the most profound thing;
which profound rhetoric caused me to ponder, which pondering caused me to desire to search within, which searching within now causes me to write....

J, upon waking Friday morning to the frigid falling of fresh flakes stated with absolute faith: Today is going to be GREAT!

Me: okay, I will play along, why???

J: Fresh new snow to shred!

To Shred is to cut a trail while
Skiing/Snowboarding.
The fresh snow came just in time
for his Snowboarding Lesson day!

Me: Ummmm...

J: You don't get caught in someone elses trail,

you get to make your own!

Simple enough, and yet...profound!

Don't you think?

Really, are we suppose to get caught in someone elses trail.

Will we really be happy if we try to be just LIKE someone else??? ...wouldn't it be better if we blaze our own trail, shred fresh snow, make our own tracks, be individual???

...We were all created to be unique,
so ...why do we try to so hard to keep up with the "joneses"?

...life is FRESH...shred you own trail.
Happy Trails Everyone!!!
And Happy Happy
Happy Smiles!

And Happy Hope in Healing!
Bless you all...

Dear Elizabeth...

2010-03-02T10:32:00.000-08:00

It has been a while since I posted anything personal. I suppose that is good, because I have been engaged in living life, rather than regretting the past. It isn't that I have been pain and anguish free. Stuff crosses my mind, but I have pretty good coping methods these days and it seems I don't freak out as anxiously as much as I have in the past ....sounds like healing.

I have appreciated comments that you have given me from time to time, even when I am Missing....and you wonderful people who have been such an integral part of bringing me to this point of healing will NEVER be forgotten. You are angels who walk here on earth. Walking one with another, helping, lifting, healing.

With your compassion, your sympathy and empathy.
You are amazing and strong,
and your strength has helped me to find my own.

Please don't think ever that I forget you, that I don't recognize the pain and loneliness that you each might suffer from day to day. If you leave me a comment I get it that day. If you need me I will hear your plea. I just am a little more absent on the technological market these days. I am on the instant gratification mode of texting or FBing... or more often I am living in the moment with my children and family. Blogging has brought me healing, and the direction that I hear from you all is to turn to Him who truly heals...which has impressed me and I have turned to prayer. So....there I am, and here I neglect, and yet...I never forget, and have great appreciation for each one of your insights.

Today....today...WOW.

Today I need to write HERE, so here I have come. A couple of thoughts.

One, I have been writing with my mother an interactive history. It is amazing how engaging in a persons life can bring you to a deeper healing. Understanding her is helping me to understand me better. I always questioned how she could allow those awful things to happen to ME. Didn't she care??? I suppose this is a thought for me to further explore another day, but....it has been a good month of learning to Love her, and I do. I have forgiven her....weird, huh. I am sure some of you will question that being that all you have is what I have written here. It is a subject that I will come here more often to explore, for it is a HUGE part of my healing, and a HUGE insight to who I am, learning who she is and was.

......IS and WAS...for they are two very different people.

I have a lot of love and compassion and empathy and forgiveness for her.

So much to ponder.

Second, I have been really consumed with the Elizabeth Smart Brian Mitchell Wanda Barzee trial...insanity....kidnapping...rape....saga. From day one, when that beautiful young girl was taken, SNATCHED from her childhood, from her home, from the protection of her mothers love and fathers arms....I have been with her mentally and emotionally on her journey.

I have cried, prayed, pleaded, and terrorized by her story, by her pain, her anguish, her experience. She has come through this a strong beautiful woman....and yet, what will become of her...

Really Third and Fourth, and lastly that is what this post is all about...

Dear Elizabeth....

My point in writing today...my PAIN....my anguish....my torment is this:

When Elizabeth was taken I was awakened by cries...a phone call and many tears. We know the family, my son is their sons best childhood friend from the innocence of first grade.

That day I got two phone calls.

One...my sister called to ask if her children could come spend the day with us. Her husbands brother had killed himself that morning; the girls Uncle. She needed to do family things that day and be there for her husband, their dad. The girls needed a place to go, someplace loving and secure. Of course I said yes. TEARS.

The second call came from the school. Could my oldest boy stay home from school? His best friends sister was kidnapped that morning from her bed. The school knew my sons heart and that he would be anguished with the news. They felt it was best if he didn't come to school. He was in first grade...too young. TEARS.

That day we drove through
a tank of gas and two tanks of tears.

I honestly didn't think we would make it. The pain was awful. Two tragedies....so much uncertainty.

Of course as the story goes ... Elizabeth was taken by Barzee and Mitchell and made to be his wife. She was a young girl ....only 14.

Nine months later she was found back here. Months of rape, months of terror. Terrorizing her, her family, her community....my heart.

As the story unfolded....I wept. I read every paper. I prayed...I pleaded...and then I stopped praying....I stopped pleading...was anyone listening anyhow...

Her story was too real to me. I read the accounts...I had lived that nightmare. I knew what it was like to be afraid. To hear that your family would be killed. To be raped, to be terrorized. Too many years I personally knew that kind of pain.

I shut down. I remember not being able to come out of my room. I remember not speaking to anyone...I was silenced in my pain, my anguish again...

My husband asked if I wanted a separation...

I remember thinking I needed to be institutionalized...I went to therapy...I told my story...my therapist told me that he had never heard anything so terrible as the events I had experienced...he needed a break from my healing, he needed a break from me. He had worked with girls who had been sexually abused...girls who were institutionalized and he had never heard the things I told him...the things I had been through.

He "didn't know how I could be sane and how I could function."

If he didn't know ...than how was I suppose to know.

As I continued to watch Dear Elizabeth heal, I watched her blossom in her youth, I couldn't understand why I couldn't. Why can't I heal????

I didn't want this pain anymore in my life.

One day I took all the papers about her, her story, her pain, her return, her healing...I burned them in our fireplace...time to let go, of her pain, of mine...

I went back to school. Wanted to get my mind on something productive...not my pain, ...not what I thought defined me.

Something new.

I took a Criminal Justice class. I wrote something about abuse for that class....again, too personal, and TEARS.

I wrote a letter to Elizabeth at that time. I thought that I would take it too her...the time wasn't right. I still have the letter. I see her family all the time. Our kids play sports together. I always think of not just saying hello, and the usual niceties...How are you doing?

I always ponder just someday...stopping to talk to her family, on a more personal level, her mother...her father.

I should be able to do that...but they have had enough pain.
They have her to help heal...they don't need me and my problems.

I just wonder...what is wrong with me.

Why can't I heal?

Why can't I be strong? Why can't I be beautiful? Why can't I be forgiving...and move on....and stop being so consumed by this pain.

Yesterday....Last night....

...I heard on the news that Mitchell is finally going to be tried. They think he is competent to stand trial. To be accountable to raping this beautiful girl of her childhood...of having a normal and decent life and mind to live with.

I always hear in the news that she has forgiven him...That she is not going to allow him to have one more day of her childhood, or her future...her life. I am so proud of her strength. I can say that....I know her enough to say I am proud of her, and humbled by her healing. I am happy for her...

I want to have that kind of healing as well.

Last night...after hearing this on the news....I couldn't sleep. Again...same as when she was taken, ...and when she came home... and when each and every detail was exposed....I couldn't sleep.

I heard noises in my house. When my kids were littler...and all this terror happened, ...I put them all to bed in my room. For nine months they slept in our room...on our floor, in our bed. Beds and blankets and safety...all confined to the space that I could control. And then I could sleep....

Last night. I didn't sleep. I heard noises....In my lingering between sleep and consciousness I had TERROR. I thought I heard someone...not Mitchel. But HIM.....my nightmare...in our home.

he was there...he was in my daughters room...he was walking my halls. his breath was on my neck.

It was as real as my sitting here typing these things. I felt his beard on my neck as he told me again, like so many times when I was a child....I will kill you. I will kill your children, I will rape your daughter, and you will woe the day you EVER told anyone about us. You are mine. YOU WILL ALWAYS be MINE.

I must have been asleep because I couldn't make him stop. He was doing what he wanted to do...what he always threatened he would do.... and I was still helpless, and afraid, and weak. I tried to pinch B...my husband. WHY WASN"T HE WAKING UP....why wasn't he making him stop. WHY couldn't he hear her screaming????????

I was paralyzed as I laid there....and I kept feeling him.....his breath on my neck...his cold terrorizing words silencing my screams. I came conscious and the TEARS had soaked my pillow, again.....

I tried to wake B....I couldn't speak...my heart was pounding, and I laid there. For three hours I laid awake in my bed...Silenced, paralyzed by my fear.... My subconscious knew that it wasn't real...but I could hear him...I could hear her....and I laid there and let him. I couldn't move.

Finally my cat made enough noise that my husband woke up. He let the cat out, shut off the dishwasher and came back to our room. The only thing I could say was please hold me.
Finally I could breathe and speak....AND SLEEP.

When I awakened finally this morning, after two LONG hours of sleep I said ....I had a terrible nightmare.... B's response to me....Yeah...I had a pretty bad dream too.

A PRETTY BAD DREAM... what would it be like to have a pretty bad dream???

I suppose that is why I am here: In my closet...hiding myself, ...and writing...I needed someone to hear me. It seemed so trivial that I had these feelings today. We all have nightmares...fears...terrors.

We awaken from them and go about our day.

Or at least that is what most people can do.

I wish I could go about mine...I wish I had the forgiveness and peace and healing....Oh, Dear Elizabeth....I do hope that you are really healed...I hope that someday, when you have a daughter, and a husband...you don't have to fear the things that you experienced...I do hope that you can really be free of your terror, and not have to relive those feelings...I hope you never awaken to feel the breath of your nightmare on your neck....silenced in pain, anguished and paralyzed...I wish no one ever has to feel what I cant run away from....only hiding...like me...here in my closet.

Wishing for healing, praying for peace...

I almost feel I am approaching my Mile 191 again...God give me the strength to pull ahead...and not stop on the shoulder of my highway.

Help me to keep moving forward...for all I want is rest, all I want is for this nightmare to end...and somehow, somedays...I think that it is not worth the fight.

I don't want night to come...for with night... darkness, is terror.
I can't do that again tonight...please....

Been thinking...

2010-01-31T09:38:00.001-08:00

QUOTE OF THE DAY:

"I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented."

- Elie Wiesel

it's the climb

2010-01-09T10:11:00.001-08:00

i just got home from a long drive. thank you each for your sweet tender and supportive comments on my behalf regarding my pain and grieving. last night i went to bed weeping, but hoping that i could sleep and with the rest that i would awaken with renewed strength. this morning i woke feeling at least rested.

after a peaceful refreshing shower i knelt to pray and found myself passing along a happy birthday to my grandmother. i wanted to blow candles out for her and make a wish, and it seemed in my mind that i knew exactly what she would wish for. i gathered the children and we did just that. i sang with them..."happy birthday dear grandma" and as i felt the tears wetting my cheeks i listened to my cheerful children finish the song. they seemed delighted at the idea that they could blow out a candle and make a wish on someone elses birthday. a bonus for sure!!!

my wish i can not tell, but it wasn't for me. it was for my grandpa, for my aunts, and my uncle, my mom, my cousins, my siblings, my children.

then as i drove my son up the canyon for a day of skiing i enjoyed listening to his chatter with friends, they are so full of love and life and hope and laughter. miley cyrus' song the climb came on the radio. [pretty sure i posted this song before. i have an appreciation for all it says]

for sure i thought i would have to change the station because i was driving 15 year old boys...hanah montana would be a downer for sure, ...to my surprise one of the boys started talking her up..."she is so awesome, turn up the radio". WHAT???

YEAH for me. i love this song...i listened to the lyrics as i was driving/climbing the canyon, to reach the destination that would bring these boys a day of sheer fun and pleasure.

Every step I'm taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking

in this first verse i heard my heart literally breaking open, i feel this, i understand this with absolute testimony... can i...will i make it,

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

we all have to lose, it is in the losing that we find strength in what we realize we still have.

it amazed me to read your comments to my turmoil last night. i could hear in each of you that you know this battle that i am challenged with, you have all experienced loss, and pain, ...mountains. ...and you choose to be here for me, and for each other. you take chances....

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

i began to think about what i was leaving behind, as i was driving up the canyon, ...leaving the smog of the valley, what was behind me didn't matter so much, i had to keep my eyes on the road ahead, to safely meet my destination.

i thought of the rear-view mirrow, it is so small, and it is important to see what is behind you, but the windshield in all it's magnificant size is what is really vitally important, in reaching any new destination...if i were to have focused solely on the rear-view mirror i would surely have destruction in my future. not to mention my precious cargo.

i took my time, i drove with precaution, the speed i was comfortable, glancing from time to time in the rear-view mirror, but focusing on where i was headed, what was in front of me.

..Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on.

yeah, i had a battle last night, a battle of emotion, of battle of grieving the loss of a person who certainly was VIP in my life, maybe even one of the most important people in creating who i am today. a person who pushed me beyond my own limits, pushed me when i thought i couldn't be any stronger, pushed me out of bed when all i wanted was to die under the covers, pushed me to be better than i thought i was. a person who taught me that in my very least i could hold my head high....and know that i was loved, know that i had value, and that i had ability,

and most of all, she taught me that being me wasn't enough,
discovering who i am meant to be was.

[thank you Grandma]

I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

the drive today was good. i got the boys to their destination. i thankfully realized right then that this reality is exactly what every day of my life is about. my choices, my focus, my being able to put the past behind me and focusing on what is in front, where i am headed, is the only way that i can climb, the only way i can be assured that my precious cargo, my loved ones, will safely make it, together...

i had brought myself some tissues in the pocket of my sweater because i had told myself that i could have a good cry on the way home. the tissues in the pocket of my sweater [there just the way my grandma would have had] are still in my pocket. i think i will save them for another day, another time.

today....i plan to find someone to help, something good, something she would have done, and i plan to smile, because she would have. that is what she would have wanted from me. i can feel her pushing me, almost annoyed that i would waste so much time and thought in grieving her. that i would waste the energy i have been given, when i can be doing so much good elsewhere.

i am certain she is not moping around. sure she misses us all too, but she is busy, actively engaged in doing good works. she is probably holding all the babies...moments before they are placed in mothers arms, she is probably teaching and greeting and comforting others. ....for sure she whispered in my ear her wish to me.

"Move on dear,
do good,
and be of good cheer.
You have a work to be done,
now get to work."

Keep on moving,
keep climbing
Keep the faith,

it's all about the climb

broken and lonely

2010-01-08T19:39:00.001-08:00

i thought i was going to be okay …i have been so positive, and maintained a mind over matter happy day attitude ..so how come tonight i am freaking out inside. my sensibility tells me to hold it together. no one round me should have to deal with the pain and torture that i am feeling inside. i have been cheerful, i have been pleasant, i have been strong. i have worked, stayed busy, served, loved, cheered….yet tonight i feel darkness and pain and anger and torment taking over my insides out. all is well, i keep telling myself that, yet i can not help but feel there is a flood of tears behind the dam of my eyelids. i breathe. i pray. i pretend, and the frayed rope that i have been clinging to is coming to an end…it is stretched and at the end of its strength. tonight there is nothing left. tomorrow is my late grandmothers birthday. i have prepared to celebrate in doing good deeds, doing things that would honor her life, finished off by a huge bowl of rocky road ice cream put away with her favorite ice cream eating spoon that was gifted to me when she could no longer tolerate eating it. she had asked me to feed her ice cream until she died, and i tried my best to fulfill her wish. last year i finished off her final half gallon of rocky road topped with my tears. i miss her. i thought i could go into January loving it as much as she did, but i don’t know if January's end will find me fulfilling her legacy. i miss her....

Happy Holidays!

2009-12-23T07:05:00.000-08:00

It's been a while.....

I find it frustrating that living life
makes it too busy to blog about it! [hehehe, smile]

However I am repenting my ways and will be back, ...just not until the beginning of January. I have something I get to do, something that involves my daughter and my little sister, and I am thrilled to have the opportunity. It will keep me away, yet if I have the time or chance I will check in.

Thank you all so much for watching over me.

Mike at Rambling Stuff AKA Golch Central

gave me this award...

THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!

His dilemma is now mine.
I have to pass it along to 5 deserving people.
I can think of so many many more as well.

I have so many people here
who have truly watched over me.
I have good thoughts and vibes toward you,
and include you in my prayers.

Yes, I do.

so, for now....I thank you all

And I ask that you take this award
and pass it along to your angels.

My friend Marj passed along a greeting.
...a Christmas Card Gift of Gratitude!

Marj aka Thriver
is someone who has taught me that
SURVIVORS CAN THRIVE.

Thank you for your friendship.
Thank you for your example.
Thank you for your cheer!

I wrote this on my family blog yesterday:

The past few weeks have been full of painting, cleaning, new carpet, remodeling, FINALS for me, and Christmas preparation....and as I took my first bubble bath in the tub
Friday evening
I lay there with gratitude,
knowing that
my life....is perfect.....for me.

My trials are perfect,
my pains are perfect,
my past is perfect,
my present is perfect.

And while none of these things have any element of perfection..
...they fit me just right.
They may not be the size I wish they were,
....who wouldn't want to be a PERFECT 2..

...however, they are just right for me,
cozy, pleasant, fitting.

My trials do FIT me. I don't always like the way they fit. I don't always feel comfortable going out in public with them. I sometimes wish I could have gotten my trials from a different store....the brand doesn't seem right for me.

Yet, I have faith that my trials are perfect for me.

...that I will grow into them.

...that I will someday see
the beauty in them.

...that I will be able to do
what I am meant to with them.

I have hope, and Peace,

...and sometimes I have happiness...in them.

I feel to say that I am content,

...for now.

I know that the pain will rear its uglyness from time to time, but I have YOU all now.

I have you to walk with me,
and to remind me that
I have someone else
who walks with me....

I have my Savior.
Jesus Christ.
He loves me
and He loves you.
He said He would never leave us.
I believe He never has.

I know He lives.
I know He knows our pains.
He can not remove our trials from us,
but He has made us equal to them,
and He can strengthen
and comfort us in them.

At this time of year may you have JOY.

Remembering that JOY
comes from remembering JESUS first,
then OTHERS,
then YOURSELF!!!!!

see here what I mean:

Jesus
Others
Yourself!!!

Thank you for being those OTHERS
who care enough to be ANGELS to watch over,
....and to direct,
those of us who ache
and struggle and fall...to the helps that we need.

Thank you all for being the BEST YOU that you can be.

Thank you for being brave enough
to share your stories of pain
and trial and struggle,
and for being honest in sharing them.

You are all amazing people.

My hope is that you all have some PEACE, some JOY, some LOVE, and HAPPINESS in your lives this season and into the New Year.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS.
May you all be CONTENT!

Because we need to be reminded...

2009-12-13T04:56:00.000-08:00

One Flaw In Women

Women have strengths that amaze men...

They bear hardships and they carry burdens,

but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry when they are happy

and laugh when they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in..

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take "no" for an answer

when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally.

They cry when their children excel

and cheer when their friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about

a birth or a wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member,

yet they are strong when they

think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss

can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you

to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what

makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love.

They have compassion and ideas.

They give moral support to their

family and friends.

Women have vital things to say

and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,

IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Be of Good Cheer

2009-12-10T08:58:00.000-08:00

What? Good Cheer....

Sometimes the holidays bring trepidation more than cheer.
I have been busy, active, engaged in much climbing out of my pit of despair and distress.

Last I wrote my oldest son and I were having conflict....more than that.
We were in distress, despair.
I was brought to humble knees,
the need to turn myself around from the inside out.

It has been a LONG haul the past couple of weeks, and today I am smiling.

I am of better cheer.....I am working on being of Good Cheer!

I read this today:

"The daily headlines rarely fail to deliver their heavy litany of bad news.
Staggering economies and job woes.
Terrorism and War.
Tsunamis and earthquakes.
Flu pandemics and health care worries.

BROKEN HOMES AND BROKEN LIVES.

Indeed, there is darkness about.

For many, getting through the day means
navigating an obstacle course of worry and dread.
Hope can seem a vague,
even unattainable concept.

Yet, even amidst the all too real troubles of the day,
hope exists.
Despite the din of cynicism,
a spirit of optimism can,
and is, sustaining the lives of many."

As I pondered these words I had a splendid thought.
The thought was that I do have a spirit of optimism.
I believe in Good Cheer.
I have HOPE.

A long time back....
my friend here, Steveroni,
nicknamed me Hope.
I have never forgotten that.

When I hear that word I attribute it to me.
My overcoming something tremendous,
with Hope ....that I can.

My cousin sweetly sent me a letter a while ago,
and with it she sent me an Angel, and angel of HOPE, it reminds me.

Yes....I am learning that
I am Hope.

I see Hope in my children,

in their future.

I have great Hope for my

relationship with my
lovely kind husband.

I have knowledge
that I have a future

and
I see Hope now in mine;

in the future that I choose to have.

I love this song....enjoy;
and be of Good Cheer,
actively engaged in doing Good Work,
and may you have peace this season,
with Hope for a brighter future,
full of healing,
health,
love
and HOPE.

...our children are watching us
They put their trust in us
They're gonna be like us
So let's learn from our history
And do it differently

I hope
For love, joy and laughter

I hope
We'll have more than we'll ever need

I hope
We'll have more happy ever afters

I hope
We can all live more fearlessly

And we can lose all the pain and misery

I hope, I hope

A Beautiful Challenge...

2009-11-24T07:42:00.000-08:00

Parenting is such a Beautiful Challenge.
Last night I wrote that line in my journal

...through my tears.

Why is it always
when you think you have mastered
one step of a process
that you fall down 15?

I have great pain this morning, yet greater Faith....and hope, that I can pull myself, my son ....through this challenge.

This Beautiful Challenge

that I have hope will bring us to a closer relationship.

My husband asked me why???
Why is it that my son and I hit heads so much.

Honestly I don't want to admit it because there are so many other wonderful parts of our Mother and Son relationship that I can focus on. The GOOD stuff.

But he is right, there is something amiss. What is it?

I wonder because I am at that crossroads in my parenting...do I become the parent that I want to be, or do I fall into the temptation to be less. It is so easy to let things slide, to take the easy route....and think somehow it will work itself out.

I am a very firm parent. I do expect respect and responsibilities to be fulfilled. I have been blessed with fairly easy children, some have said I have raised them to be wonderful children.

It's nice to hear, yet....do I believe it?

I believe they are good:

[I'm just not sure I believe it is because of me.]

They all help out, they don't completely terrorize one another.
They listen to me and do what they are asked, for the most part...

The giggle, they laugh, they play, they hug....they smile!

..and then there are the bad days.
The days when conflict is on the horizon
and I am at light speed heading into it.

I don't get it.

But I can not just allow some things to happen.

Last night, in my adamant expectation that No means NO! ...and Put your seatbelt on means PUT YOUR SEATBELT ON....and Stop teasing....means STOP TEASING.... things fell apart....

And today...I am not sure what it will take to put the broken pieces back together.

After some time listening to his perspective, yet not backing down on mine we had to agree to disagree.

The conflict was simple.

I finally took his phone away, last resort discipline....either listen to me, do what I have asked or I have to start taking things that mean I mean business. ---Cell phone....then Ipod....[he is a teenager....] ..and these are the distractions that conflict with communication. We needed to talk about the events of the evening. Tell me why? I asked him....

He removed his seatbelt in defiance....as if to tell me that NO he was his own person and he would do what he wanted. And he DIDN"T want to talk about it.

I pulled over, asked politely, asked firmly....He responded with

"No, it is my choice and I wont put it on."

After some persuasive discussion and patient silence he put it on.

I pulled away and he said under his breath

"I would rather walk home."

[he is wishing now that I had not heard it at all,
and me wishing now I had just ignored it.....]

In fact, he is regretting it so much that he is sticking to his guns that he DIDN"T say it.

I pulled over. I said, "Go ahead, Get out!"

He is wearing shorts, a short sleeve shirt, is recovering from flu, and has no phone at this point.

I said, "Get out. Go ahead and walk home." [the walk is about 7 miles, there is snow on the ground....]

WHAT AM I THINKING....I am the parent here.
All my senses tell me that this is not right to do. Not the healthy safe RIGHT thing to do!

He says, "Out of respect for you I will get out if that is what you want."

I said, "You made your decision. Get out."

He got out. I drove away.

Tears streaming down my face, I drove away....

About two blocks I pulled off, waiting for him to catch up, hoping he would realize that he is very loved and very much cared for and that this silliness of teasing has consequences of feeling alone and frustration that is not worth it. ....he doesn't walk by.

I sit there in tears, praying for him, wishing, and knowing that I have to go for him. Of COURSE I am going back for him.

I drove back....things happened, he had gone back to the building we had been in and was inside, had used the land phone to call someone for a ride.

He is pretty brilliant and also very capable of working out tough situations. YEAH....really a great resourceful kid!

Today, my sadness comes because of how he felt when I left.
My devastation comes because I did to him what my mom did to me.

I left.

He felt abandoned, if even for a few minutes. Minutes...moments, that feel like a lifetime.

He can't understand why I would leave....truthfully I can not understand why I would leave either.

Words were spoken. Mostly me expressing love for him and that I want what is best for him. I expect him to have trials and frustrations, and even that he will be defiant from time to time, and I only want him to learn from his experiences....

But last night. To see him so broken, knowing how that brokenness feels. Knowing the pain of having your mother leave you....

[Yes, mine was for years
after
complete neglect
and selfishness,

but still...]

I left him. And he couldn't believe I drove away.

He felt abandoned.

He could not understand how I could love him and do that.

I tried to tell him that it is because I love him, that I am willing to do and say hard things, to help him grow, to help him learn....but this, the devistation of this ....my only relief will come in true forgiveness, truely between us, that he will be able to forgive me.

more....WILL I BE ABLE TO FORGIVE ME?

I am keeping in mind that I can not project my pain....or rather, SHOULD NOT project my pain and experience into this.

---the circumstances are so totally different.

But when he said he didn't want to talk to me about it because it is like talking to the person who just purposely ran over you with a car.....I couldn't help but feel my heart being ripped out of my chest.

DID I REALLY JUST ABANDON HIM?

Did I really just do unto him the pain that I have been through?

Will he heal from this,
or will he never forget,
and always remember it.

Will he doubt my endearing love

and peading hope that I have for him?

Yes, Parenting is a Beautiful Challenge.

"God did not put us here to fail,"
Elder Jon M. Huntsman Sr.....

...but to work, and have integrity, and sacrifice, and determination....belief in ourselves, belief and hope and faith...

And his Grace is sufficient for All. ♥

I will not fail him,
I will not fail me.

---is my prayer, Mile 191

"Darkness to Light" - My Healing Journey Anniversary

2009-11-19T07:13:00.000-08:00

Ironic that today is

World Day for the Prevention of Child Abuse

I sat down to write this morning through many many tears. Last night was really rough for me. Nothing like being pointed out that you are a psycho falling apart hopeless irrational broken to bits mess.

No worries....I was telling myself that.
It wasn't anyone in my life....it was my
DARK inner BROKEN child.

It was suppose to be Date Night and after one simple incident I was a mess and saying things that were irrational [yet made perfect sense to me]....then came the falling apart tears...[as I hid in the bathroom suffocated by them] the hopeLESSness set in. I found myself frantic to pick up the broken bits of my soul, yet completely unable and went off to bed.

I don't know if it was seeing his name on a chalkboard in my classroom yesterday. I just kept staring at it WISHING i had the strength to take a SHARPIE marker and scribble it out permanently.

In my pain I destroyed my husbands heart. All he wanted was to take me to a movie....then he just wanted me to talk to him. He kept asking all the right questions.... Which made me more emotional and psychotic. I felt I would stop breathing any moment.

How can someones kindness be so hard to suffer?

I don't get it.

Why does Child Abuse
have to have such terrible side effects?

I can't keep faking the pain away.
The smile painted on my face.
My rushing around trying to cover the fact that I am falling apart.....

I came here, to my closet, to write....to discover to ponder what and where and when I am headed....

As I was putting thoughts together this morning I took a little walk among some of your blogs. I try to go between my commenter's, my followers, and my blog roll [which has not been updated for ....MONTHS -- If you are not on there please tell me. I generally stop by those who comment here faithfully but would LOVE to come more often. Just tell me and I will add you].

I am sad to say today I found some blogs that I have never read. Thank you for reading me...

As life takes the reigns of my time I seem to be able to blog browse less and less.

I suppose that is a good thing....but I sure miss the healing and growing
as I read and ponder each of your journeys

...the HEALING that we are all seeking here.

Blog names....I am wondering how they are chosen.

I know that there is a simpleness behind mine.

I woke up a year ago TUESDAY [11/17/08]!

Or maybe it was that I was unable to go to sleep the Monday before....I had emotional, mental, physical, spiritual pain and thoughts flooding my mind.

I felt like I was suffocating. I had to get out the nightmare I was feeling and living with, and the words that inspired the name of my blog came flooding with my tears.

come into my closet
was born and a journey of healing began.

From there I wrote about being Mile 191...

..about being at my MILE 191 in life.

Mile 191: This time of year is terribly difficult for me. I see my foster family in such pain. It was MILE 191 where my foster mother died. She drove to that Mile in her favorite canyon. She was headed home to her Mother. She was sad. There had been a fight. She took too many pills this time. At the cave she slipped and hit her head on a rock and passed away. Right there in the cold, with the snow coming down. hER jOURNEY eNDED. Her pain was done, and ours began. Pain without a mother.

Over the years I have seen the trauma that this has caused her daughters, her son, her husband. The pain I have felt. I know that NO MATTER how hard being a mother is, no matter the fights, the frustrations, the thinking they would be better off without me THAT IT IS NOT TRUE. People are never better off when their loved ones go away forever.

When I began this journey, this healing, I began with hope that facing my MILE 191 would prevent tragedy in my life, and in the lives of those I love.

I continued by describing the Journey to Hope that I was embarking upon. I am still on that journey. I feel that I have come a long LONG way, and parts of this journey are harder now than they were when I began.

It seems that by opening up the wound we find that there is a great deal more to healing than just getting it out in the open. So many things come up....and that is what I have been writing about ever since.

Today as I wandered I stopped by Darkness to Light.
I haven't spent as much time there as I would like yet, but I am always grateful when there are organizations out there standing for children, and adult abused children, doing all they can to prevent Child Abuse. Thank you.

I enjoyed the inspiring post by dreamdancer. I was inspired by her courage and hope to free from the past and make the reality today into her dreams for tomorrow. Her submissiveness to Gods will, to allow the instruction of today to strengthen and restore healing. Beautiful Post.

I sadly came across LKG4BTRLIF. Her post about her past being thrown in her face is touching to me. I have been there. I have felt her pain, the graphically described experiences she has had and the scars emotionally and mentally left behind. I felt such compassion for all she is going through right now. Big Safe HUGS to her, and hope that she will continue writing and healing.

Lovely Just Be Real says it like it is and was a wonderful stop along my way.
Her simple expression that we do NOT have to carry the weight and burden and sorrow of our abuse alone, that we have a Savior. Oh how I do hope that I will learn how to more fully rely upon Him.
I know He is there. I wish I could be more submissive and more fully be healed.

It is always a healing experience to read

Hope's: A Song Not Scored for Breathing.

Today I read about Darkness....about Light....about recovery being a choice to turn toward the Light. It all began to fall into place for me right there. Her words engraving upon my heart. She talked about the her wolf...what her recovery is ....and how she no longer feels it eating her very soul. I want that. I have HOPE that I will get to that point. Again I read that God is the LIGHT. Dependence on Him is Healing. God's Grace....oh how I wish to find my way there. Hope, Thank you Thank you!

And then I was back where I started. With Marj aka Thriver. Who is hosting today's Blog Carnival in celebration of World...Prevention of Child Abuse. Thank you Marj. --- So many of us have been blessed by your pen.

Marj influences healing and promotes UniTy iN SurVivOrS. She brings us together and shows us that we are not alone.

I look forward today. What is past is past. I will continue to write....because what tomorrow brings will be the next chapter in my healing. I am no longer a victim of abuse. I am a SURVIVOR.

We are all SURVIVORS!

Assignment from Hell?: her REGRET

2009-11-16T17:55:00.000-08:00

I am currently taking a Marriage and Family course. I find myself struggling with some of the course material and we are getting into the issues of parenting, childhood; with abuse and neglect issues right around the corner.

The questions are loaded with meaning and as I write responses I find myself in conflict with what I want to write and what I find myself able to write. Sometimes the assignments rip my heart, yet again, to pieces. I want to write something simple, easy and without really scratching my own surface...what I find is that I am writing more...

What I am finding
is that in the opening
of wounds I can heal them.

The Question:
Based on your life experiences, what makes a good parent? What makes a bad parent? Does your definition of what makes a good or bad parent change depending on the age of the child? Should our parenting styles or techniques change as our children get older or should they stay the same? Explain. In your family of orientation, what child-rearing attitudes (authoritarian, permissive, or authoritative) predominated? What impact did your parents child-rearing attitudes have on you? Interview either one or both of your parents. If you do not have access to your parents, interview the parents of a close friend or relative. Ask them to describe their greatest joys and challenges as a parent. If they had to do it again, what would they do differently? What would they do the same?

My response:
Looking to this assignment with trepidation I have finally emotionally and with great perspective completed the task at hand. Beginning with the "based on... life experience" I have come to some conclusions as to what I feel makes a good parent. Going into this assignment I had really strong affirmation as to what makes a BAD parent, both of my parents fell under that category.

What I discovered is that even as I make mistakes I am doing my best, ...better than that, I believe I am a GOOD parent!!!

Based on your life experiences, what makes a good parent? What makes a bad parent?
Beginning with the bad. Being selfish is the number one quality that I believe contributes to bad parenting.

I think that when you choose to become a parent that you have a crucial role in another persons life and well being and that you can not longer BE SELFISH.

Having perspective I realize that I make many wise decisions to put myself first and I do not see the negative effects on my children in stated appropriate cases because there is a GREAT difference between tending to ones self and being selfish.

My philosophy and perspective is this:

I have come to make decisions based on whether my need can be a positive thing for my children, needs like tending to ones self so that positive parenting is the outcome rather than negative parenting.

There is GREAT difference between this and being SELFISH.

Thus I do believe that
one's self must be attended to
in order to be
a positive parent.

The selfish that I allude to as negative is that of spending money and time for selfish desires. These negative desires include but are not limited to: alcohol, pornography, drugs, abusing for self satisfaction, indulgence in fast food, avoiding responsibility by reading novels/sewing/computer time/[fill in the blank]... shopping, and anything obsessively allotted.

Selfishly choosing previously mentioned obsessions and addictions over spending money on groceries, health care, clothing and shelter, or paying school fees:... and time management that does not contribute to a safe and healthy environment of love and attention to a child's well-being absolutely has a negative impact; as was the case for me growing up.

This negative effect stays with a child and seems to create effects that are long term in adult children.

These effects include but are not limited to insecurity, post-traumatic stress, cycle of addictive behavior, feeling unloved, feelings of inadequacy, inability to function as an adult, irrational response and behaviors, never feeling nurtured, not allowing others to love you, mental emotional disorders, dysfunction, and often repeating the abuse that you suffered as a child.

SO, WHAT MAKES A GOOD PARENT?

I overlook this in many regards because I am so focused on what I am doing wrong, [part of thus stated INSECURITY].

What would I have wanted,
what kind of parent do I desire to be?

I desire to be the kind of parent who listens to my children. Who is firm in BELIEFS and in NURTURING. Whose children go to bed with FULL BELLIES, with WARM blankets, CLEAN pajamas and teeth. Whose child has GOOD HEALTH CARE and SHELTER.

Whose children are HUGGED, and TOLD that they are LOVED, whose children KNOW that their parents are going to stand on the sidelines cheering them on.

Whose child knows they have great value and worth and that they are LOVED beyond any human understanding. Which children understand FORGIVENESS and PATIENCE and RESPONSIBILITY and COMPASSION and INDIVIDUAL WORTH, because they have had these things abundantly all their lives.

Does your definition of what makes a good or bad parent change depending on the age of the child?
I do not think that my definition of bad parenting is different based on the child's age. I think that a selfish parent has different effects at different ages because children have different needs and demands at different stages.

Parents who are selfish have difficulty meeting those diverse needs. Parents who are selfish don't recognize the negative effects on their child, they are completely lost and blinded by their selfishness.

The definition of a good parent, on the other hand, can have different meanings. I believe that children need many of the previously noted qualities in their lives. To what degree each is offered is individual to the relationship between the parent and the child.

In my lacking of many of these qualities I find that some are much more important to me than others. My children, on the other hand, who have been blessed with these in abundance, would pick some to be more important than others. Again, because their childhood is the only experience they are going to have, they are going to be much more secure than I can ever imagine, and their needs are unique to what they have experienced.

Should our parenting styles or techniques change as our children get older or should they stay the same? Explain.
Parenting styles must change as children get older. Rules and definitions of abilities change based on what is in the best interest of the child. That can be hard when you have children of all ages because to a child they don't feel like things are fair when the rules are different. I always explain that you are right, the rules are different because of your different needs. If your needs were the same as your younger/older sibling than the rules for you would be the same.

Usually a child can make sense of this particularly when you state that a 15 year old should then have the same bedtime as an 8 year old if the rules were to always be the same. And an 8 year old does not want to have the same chores or hours of homework as their 15 year old sibling.

Children can understand with confidence in their parents when communication is open, often and effective.

Therefore parenting techniques and styles have to change to meet the needs of the child and the parent based on age and stages of life.

In your family of orientation, what child-rearing attitudes (authoritarian, permissive, or authoritative) predominated?

For my childhood I could not really put the parenting into one category. Without getting too personal here there was absolutely no consistency:

it varied between neglect and beatings.

Interview either one or both of your parents. If you do not have access to your parents, interview the parents of a close friend or relative.
I spoke to my mother briefly about her parenting once and have chosen to not open the can of worms again for this assignment.
I had a dead-beat dad, who has become an in and out grandparent, and thus can not or rather, choose not, to open that can either.
My step-father should be removed from the universe and I prefer to not attempt a conversation with him.

My mother, in our brief conversation stated that she had a lot of regrets. I have a great deal of scars emotionally when it comes to her regrets;
I am one of them. I am her regret.

Healing:
At this point I must say that I am indebted to foster parents who took a late teen and loved her to a point of being secure enough to marry and desire to have a family of her own.

In third person,
I see this girl
and have a great compassion
and appreciation
for what a bit of love
can do for a child
who has withered away in abuse.

If you do not have access to your parents, interview the parents of a close friend or relative. Ask them to describe their greatest joys and challenges as a parent. If they had to do it again, what would they do differently? What would they do the same?

I remember many conversations with one of my Aunt's based on the assignments criteria and she stated that she had regrets, or rather she looked back and could see where she could have done things differently. However, she felt that her children were her priority in life that she had done everything to her best ability in those moments.

Her greatest joys were seeing her children raised healthy and happy and that they each have chosen marriage and to begin families of their own. She sees this as truth in her accomplishments being successful. Her greatest sorrow was that as an aunt she knew things were not right for us, her nieces and nephews, and that she had not done enough to help us during our time of need.

Her compassion and ability to move forward proves that while I make many mistakes as a parent that my children and I can overcome with resilience founded in LOVE and that in the end we will all be greater human beings.

What impact did your parents child-rearing attitudes have on you?
Every child deserves a childhood,
as Richard Paul Evans states based on his charity

The Christmas Box International,
a home for abused and neglected children.

I had one, and wished that I hadn't.
...or at least had not had the neglect and abuse in mine...

Now I look back and see that I can grow with hope and faith and grace and that all will be well as I continue to desire to heal.

What I can do with this experience is to be a different parent than my parents were and I try everyday to keep that in mind. Being a parent and healing from a tragic childhood is one of the hardest things that any person could possibly take on.

I am doing my best everyday to keep my childrens childhood in mind and keep their best interest at heart, I have hope my best is good enough and I believe that I am a GOOD parent.

i am HEALING.

pain is painful

2009-11-08T01:44:00.000-08:00

"mamma please stop crying,
i can't stand the sound,
your pain is painful and
it's tearing me down"

...i told dad you didn't mean
those nasty things you said...

this is my shelter....

growing up in
world war three...."

pain....

hurting...when will it go away?

my little boy prayed a week ago:

"Please help me to work hard
and work fast
so that I can have all my recesses."

i promised myself that I would ALWAYS remember this prayer,
and NEVER forget it.

it made such sense to me. he didn't ask God to do his work for him and just give him the blessing of all his recesses. he asked God to help him to WORK HARD and to WORK FAST....so that he could have his recesses.

he asked God to help him and he told God why....he wanted to have his recesses, ALL of them, and in his expression of FaiTh he stated help ME TO WORK....

a willingness to WORK....work HARD and work FAST....

His words really got me to thinking...

How willing am I to work HARD and work FAST so that I get all my recesses in life. Seriously how many of us think about asking for the strength, the help to WORK!!! I think too many times we are so busy just asking for blessings to happen for us. We want things to just happen.

Nothing happens by chance. Nothing worthwhile anyhow. We work, and while we are working, anxiously engaged in good causes, we find our peace, our happiness, our strength, our HEALING....our recesses.

With all the thoughts I have been having lately...pondering my own process of healing, of overcoming fears, and letting go of my painful past.... i realize that until i anxiously engage myself in the WORK of healing, of honestly opening myself, letting the dam flood, that i am holding back on the blessing of RECESS in my life.

The definition of Recess is:

a temporary withdrawal from
or halting from work....
the key word here is temporary

While looking up the definition of Recess I came across the definition of Recover. I have often said that I am in recovery. But I don't remember if I have ever really pondered Recovery.

To Recover means to get back something that was lost or stolen. This felt so good to me to think that I could get back what was stolen from me. My childhood, my sense of peace, of being whole, healthy mentally and emotionally, and physically.

I then looked up the definition of WORK:

physical or mental effort exerted to do or make something.

I find myself in a reflection of my past, present, and future here.

I have to work out my past, here in the present, so that in the future I can take pleasure in my recesses, with hope, healing and a feeling of wellness, of being whole, of Recovery.

I want to stop crying, to stop aching, to stop fretting about everything all of the time.

I desire to find a place for the pain that is so painful,
and take a recess from it, I want recovery.

I have the understanding that the pain will not just "go away",
but if I am willing to WORK....

I pray for help to WORK HARD, to WORK FAST,
so that I may fully understand
and enjoy the blessing of Recess.